Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Maybe Paris Should Just Get A New Dog...

The wannabes are tanning at a fake Grotto when the two Tokyo survivors return to the States, and of course they fill them in about equally fake Tanorexic Barbie. Something tells me this is the theme for the episode, you guys! In a city where the people are as plastic as the palm trees, the fact that Tanorexic Barbie is being ostracized for not being "real" enough is simply laughable. Everyone on this show is putting on an act; she's probably just the most upfront about it... or her act just doesn't "fit" with the others,' so in a very seventh grade girl way, they're ganging up on her. Paris may not be able to find a BFF out of this crowd, but she has certainly created a clique all her own.

Onch announces he's the "alpha male" in the house now that BrWHINEan's gone, and I'm geniunely surprised anyone knew he was there in the first place, and Stella poignantly points out that Onch is too loud and flamboyant. Obvs, honey, but that's his character!

Plain Jane is the new pet (well, duh, after last week's award show surprise), but she seems more put upon by the whole thing because she just wants to hang out and not have to worry about tattling. In fact, as she reads her text message, you can almost hear the vomit bubble up in her mouth when she says "XO, Paris." I have to wonder why this chick is on this show.

Paris tells her wannabes she has switched from a socialite to a "successful businesswoman," and therefore she needs a bestie who is equally professional. So she has her product line as props for a commercial to be directed by the infamous Chris Applebaum, known only for Paris' Carl's JR commercial and "Stars are Blind" music video. Yet another winner from the "real friends" category! Was Ron Jeremy already busy with Celebrity Rehab or something?

The teams break off with Vanessa the Snitch and Lauren the Virgin picking the hot male model as their "prop," despite the Virgin's obvious uncomfort at the half-nudity. Kiki (oh, she's still around??) and L.C. get their makeup done and barely make a plan past wearing Paris jeans and lounging on a chaise and maybe "talk to each other." Onch and Stella team up, and he tells her to have a Janet Jackson wardrobe malfunction, whereas Mini Me and Bustori actually sit down and write a real script... well, Mini Me writes it; Bustori seems to be doodling hearts in her margins.

Five seconds into Onch and Stella's bag commercial, Onch gets called out for needing to "tuck it in" and for not being sexy enough. They use a convertible and Paris' trademark "That's hot" and then strip down and stuff their tees into the bag, saying it's "useful" and "fashionable," but Onch is the one with a wardrobe malfunction. It's odd that Chris points out the tucking again; he seems oddly fixated by it, and maybe he's just trying to be sure Onch really is a guy.

The Snitch and the Virgin dump the male model and seduce each other on-screen; using the Paris "Can Can" perfume and black and white cinematography. Of course they go apeshit for it because anything girl on girl is "European" and "hot" and controversial enough to get eyes on the product. Everyone ignores the look of fear on The Virgin's face as the camera goes in for an ECU on her, and she even interviews that though people think she's shy, she's actually coming out of her shell now and having fun with it. Well, I believe the former is true. Lauren, don't quit your day job; acting is not for you.

Kiki and L.C. talk about not wanting tanlines, and they do this weird thing with their arms that looks like they're pantomiming removing a shirt they don't have on. It's like a bad Intro to Acting class in there, and it's even more weird because they're trying to sell jeans. Chris is underwhelmed and says the girls have no personality and then points out that they can't fit into the jeans. L.C. seems to think he was only talking to Kiki, but he never actually addresses her, so it's a good possibility he wasn't attracted to either of them. To her credit, Kiki says she's happy with herself and not trying to work for Chris in real life, so his comments don't bother her. Whether she means it or she'll go throw up her salad later is yet to be seen, though.

Plain Jane and Tanorexic Barbie do something art nouveau with shoes, yoga, and a gong. Chris is enthralled, and Paris likes their tagline. Personally I didn't even realize they were trying to sell shoes until Chris pointed it out after their spot was over, so I don't know how successful it can be, but he raves, and they grin and mentally pat themselves on the back, so it looks like we have a winner.

Chris doesn't even allow Bustori and Mini Me to finish their script for the "Clip and Go's" because of Bustori's self-tanner on her teeth and the fact that they're "not sexy." Mini Me calls cut on the next one and then threatens to "start breaking shit." They completely lose the script for the final take and don't even interact with each other; Chris tells them they should have just come in crawling on the floor in their bikinis but then tells Mini Me that she should have done something to hide her Jersey accent because it's just not classy. Oh, and the product they were trying to hock of hair extensions are??? He's a walking contradiction, and he says he has a lot of concern about her because she doesn't take his shit and refuses to perform yet again. She's not a monkey, and she's not a mannequin, and she can smell his B.S., and rightly that scares a no-talent douche like him.

Paris says that Chris was hard on the "kids" because she wanted to see how they took both direction and criticism, and some took the points with grace while others crumbled. Chris reiterates his sentiments in front of the whole group this time, focusing his negativity on Kiki and Mini Me and tells them they're all lucky to be here. Bustori interviews that if Mini Me is so "used to working on photo shoots and working with models," then she should be used to this kind of treatment and on-set behavior and should have kept her cool. Chris and Paris picked the weird performance art commercial as the winner, so Plain Jane and Tanorexic Barbie get to keep a trunk full of crappy Paris Hilton swag. Free purses and shoes are great, but guaranteed they smell like baby prostitute and will fall apart after only one or two uses. Paris doesn't wear things twice, so she won't expect her clients to, either.

Plain Jane gets a text about presents, and she rounds up the troops, but Onch delays because he's reapplying. The cameras are watching him put his makeup on, so I'm not quite sure what he's afraid of. Needless to say, this is going to reappear in just a few minutes... They all get necklaces of the Eiffel Tower, courtesy of their narcissistic den mother, and the moment is cut short because it's quite frankly just superfluous. Instead of watching them model their new jewelry which will probably leave little green marks on their chests, Paris says it's hard to tell who's real and who's fake in Hollywood, and also apparently in this house, so she calls in her own fake BFF (and fake cousin) Perez Hilton to get some insight into her wannabes. He says he's going to be spending some one-on-one time with everyone today, but not before plugging his website.

Cue the montage as he calls them in and asks ridiculous questions like who the biggest slut is in the house (they say Onch, but who really knows considering no one-- aside from L.C. has had opportunity to hook up with anyone) and then asks about their best attributes. Tanorexic Barbie says she "digs really deep everyday to try to understand where people are coming from," and eyes roll. He asks who has fake boobs, and both Bustori and the Snitch deny they do; Mini Me name-drops some dirty, dirty rockstars she may or may not have slept with, and Perez asks her what's up with her lip (um, I'm going to guess herpes from one of the dirty, dirty rockstars?). The Virgin agrees to touch tongues (not a metaphor) if she gets extra credit; she does it, and then Perez has them rank everyone from a scale of Realness to Fakeness (there it is! So not subtle with your themes, MTV!). Kiki thinks everyone is fake, but the consensus is that Mini Me is annoying and hard to read; the Virgin is too quiet; Bustori had words copyrighted (??); Onch scores off the charts with a twenty, as does Tanorexic Barbie who has "beauty pageant answers" and then misinterprets how she is supposed to be ranking in the "oh I thought 1 was the highest because apparently I don't understand math" sort of way. Perez makes the wannabes kiss his ring (again, not a metaphor). Then he meets with Paris who sounds bored and can barely keep her eyes open as Perez says Onch is playing a game, but sometimes that's okay (um, yeah, it's a freakin' reality show!). Mini Me needs an attitude adjustment, and Tanorexic Barbie needs to be "worked on," which he doesn't understand because who wants to have to work on being friends? Well, I never thought I'd agree with the Gossip Queen of West Hollywood, but he's made the most sense so far this episode! He "crunches the numbers" and ranks them on a big pink board, saying that Kiki is dead center, to which she agrees. Slightly more fake is Plain Jane, and she's surprised, but slightly more real is Mini Me, who agrees quite cockily. Even more fake is Bustori, who sounds confused, and Tanorexic Barbie admits she thinks Bustori is fabricating a story that will look good on TV, and Bustori curses her out. Perez pantomimes the claw hands as Bustori says Tanorexic Barbie "disgusts" her. Paris says this is not a big deal, and Perez is shocked they're doing this in front of him (well, if they didn't, wouldn't that be fake???). Higher on the fake-o-meter is the Snitch, which Paris doesn't agree with, and then Onch and Tanorexic Barbie. The Virgin is voted the "Most Real" and calls Perez a "random dude," which I find hysterical; she really is so innocent! Needless to say, the top two on the fake chart are in Paris' hot seat for the episode after not being able to "say something real to Paris right now" and instead getting into a fight with Stella over who's "posing" and who's not. Oh and that’s posing as in being a “poseur,” in case you thought we had regressed back to the earlier modeling challenge…

Paris' reasoning for her nominations is that she "can't have a best friend who everyone thinks is fake," and after the little pow-wow with Perez, the wannabes sit around the table and shed a few tears and talk about how they don't want anyone else to think they hate them, and they all just want to get to know the "real" others and wah wah wah. Onch takes off his makeup in front of Paris and the rest of the wannabes to show her "the true him," but the Snitch interviews that she thinks the makeup really is who he is, and he should have left it on. Right on!

Tanorexic Barbie admits what Paris sees on her on the outside might be fake, but she has a real heart, and she truly does want to learn and grow from Paris. Onch reiterates that he wants Paris to know who he really is, and he admits to being a chameleon depending on who he's surrounded by, and though he says those are just "different sides" to him, Paris says it sounds like he "really has some issues," and I have to agree. Being adaptable in situations is important, but you should never compromise who you really are.

Paris asks the troops what they think, and for the most part it's fifty-fifty, with people feeling that Onch tries to play to the cameras too much and that if he wasn't here other, quieter people's personalities would have a chance to shine. Kiki is the only one to say that Tanorexic Barbie is the fakest to Paris, though, and Paris cocks her head quizzically, as if the gears of her brain are straining for gossip, but the producers have instructed her to keep her jaw firmly clenched. Instead, she simply says that though the fact that no one in the house trusts Tanorexic Barbie scares her, she felt bad that everyone ganged up on her and because she "knows exactly how that feels" and doesn't want a bunch of friends who "are just mean girls," (ironic considering the Burn Book confessionals, no?) she not only eliminates Onch but also makes Tanorexic Barbie her new pet. Personally I think she's splitting hairs at this point, and the only bestie I'd want if these wannabes were my choices would be one of the canine variety. After all, at least when they chew on your furniture and pee on your foot, you know where they stand! Onch says he will love and stay in touch with all of his new friends forever, and even Paris says she can't tell him TTYN.

Meanwhile, in the aforementioned Burn Book Confessionals, everyone diaries that they're sad to see Onch go and that they hate Tanorexic Barbie... except Plain Jane who seems to imply Mini Me has a substance abuse problem and is going through withdrawal. I may have nicknamed this one prematurely; she was super quiet for the first few episodes, but she's slowly starting to come into her own and emerge with a decent sense of humor. Sadly, though, humor does not seem to be as important in Paris' world as hook-ups and nakedness and C-List celebs, so unless we all learn to laugh at the show the same way we’ve laughed at Paris for all of these years, I think we're all in for a long, long few weeks.

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