Wednesday, October 1, 2008

More Pink Than MTV's Legally Blonde And A LOT More Fun!...

I didn't catch Paris Hilton's BFF right away on Tuesday night when it premiered at 10, and when I finally sat down to watch it in full, I was too enthralled to write a proper review or recap. The truth is, my jaw was on the floor for the majority of the forty minutes, but not for the reason you may think: this sh*t is comedic gold! Paris, although just as droopy-eyed and slurring as ever, does not take herself, let alone her contestants, seriously, and that provides for some melodramatic and overly campy moments. For example, when the eighteen contestants (sixteen girls and two guys, though one is a bit androgynous) move into Paris' "dollhouse," they find a message telling them the airline has "lost their luggage," prompting one to freak out over not having any make-up and another to calmly say: "Yeah, well, I'm not even wearing any underwear." Classic.

Throughout the season, Paris promises to bring some of her real friends on to help her with the decision, but the trashtastic line-up of Benji Madden, Dirt Nasty (aka Simon Rex), and Perez Hilton is nothing in comparison with the trashy finds of the wannabe BFFs themselves. From here on out I will have to refer to them by nicknames because so many of them look so much alike I can't keep them straight. Also, like Paris herself stated in some oddly unflat voice over, "In my world everyone is judging you, unless you judge them first." So starting with the first in the order they introduced themselves on the show, Lauren, the Beauty School Student from El Dorado Hills, whose false eyelashes are always dangerously close to melting off her face, will henceforth be known as L.C. because you can just tell she desperately wants to be Lauren Conrad. Also, I’m like 97% sure I went to USC with her, so maybe she should just be deemed a “sorostitute” and leave it at that; after all, with that label alone I’d at least never have to explain her behavior!

Shelley, the Fashion Enthusiast (code for unemployed) from Houston, is a "good Christian girl" and a virgin and already my favorite because she always looks so uncomfortable at the challenges, and this is so early on in the competition! I was convinced she'd be gone at week one for admitting she's never had sex, but I guess the lawyers and producers wouldn't allow Paris to kick her off out of fear of lawsuit and also general interest in what kind of moral arguments she might stir up down the road. Every time she's on-screen I think it's my friend Lauren, so let's just call her that from now on.

Zui (pronounced like "Zoo"), the "Internet Celebrity"-- yes that is the official job title MTV gave her-- from Woodbridge, has tats up and down her arms, dried-out jetblack hair and a suitcase full of leggings and studded vests (I'm assuming), making her scream "leatha" just like her older, Bravo reality show counterpart, Stella.

Natasha, the rocker chick from New York, has a thick accent, a busted lip, and an attitude that only rivals mine. She is Mini Me.

Kayley, the "Tanning Specialist" from Malibu is Clark Gable's granddaughter, a recovering alcoholic, and a self-proclaimed "dirty old man." With her platinum blonde hair and bright orange skin, she could be a modern-day Oompa Loompa... except she looks like she's six feet tall. She also looks like a cross between Tori Spelling and Busy Philipps (but with bigger boobs), which begs the very clever nickname "Bustori."

Michelle, the Broadcast Intern from Houston, says she'll "grab your attention" when she walks into a room, and it's not just because she is Kayley's clown makeup covered doppelganger: it's also because she looks like a man in drag, so she will be called ManClown. I know, I know; I'm so darn clever.

Baje (pronounced Beige) is from Miami, and I have no idea what she does for a living because doesn't list an occupation on her cast bio, which leads me to believe she wants to be a trophy wife. Coupled with the fact that she also looks like she's a decade older than everyone else, her new name is Real Housewife.

Erin, a publicist from Miami, is the kind of girl who you know was made fun of a lot in elementary and junior high and probably only got invited to parties in high school because she fooled around a lot. She can cover herself in designer duds and talk as loudly as she wants and still not eliminate the proof of her past: her Bug Eyes.

There's also a girl who used to have short brown hair but now has short blonde hair, which leads me to believe she may have won and Paris made her change her hair color. But only time will tell, and I'm not going to potentially ruin the finale for you by saying who it is! Highlights of the premiere episode were when the contestants discovered their gifted Blackberrys (because Paris once deemed life without a Blackberry "gross" and "like dying"), when drunk Sensu (real name, and I can't believe any self-respecting 27 year old would want to do a show like this!) knocked her head on the interrogation lamp, BrWHINEan refusing to change his hair, wear rocker eyeliner or nailpolish and sulking in a corner for the second time in twenty-five minutes, Vanessa being a snitch, and the cocky Bug Eyes getting sent home not even mid-way through the hour, but perhaps my favorite part was the Burn Book Confessionals at the end!

So going forward with this series, I hope to present to you more in-depth articles (perhaps even a live blog or two?) that rival my recaps of Dexter in length and detail. Oddly enough, I have found myself completely enraptured with this program, so unlike what Paris says at the close of each episode, "our friendship is most certainly not finished!!"

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