After Paris' surprise last week, when she put four of her contes-- (okay, look, I'm sorry: I know this is a reality show with a prize at the end and some real challenges along the way, but it's also a platform for anyone who wants to get on television in the most obvious and honest of ways, and for that, I can't think of this as a legit reality game show but more of a reality ala The Hills show, so let's try again, shall we?) After Paris' surprise last week, when she put four of her wannabes (there, that's better!) in a separate car back from Les Deux and sent them to LAX instead of her dollhouse (because "first impressions mean a lot" and basically they sucked), I didn't think this show could get any more high school-- or any funnier-- but I guess I underestimated Paris yet again. In this week's second episode, the thirteen remaining wannabes already start to turn on each other when a game of hide and seek goes wrong and Real Housewife locks Onch (his real name) in an armoire. His retaliation is to scrub her (or what he thinks was her) toothbrush on his ass and in the toilet, but of course Vanessa snitches him out yet again. It appears some series long themes are being set right now, as well as the character arcs; in fact, Paris comes right out in a pre-taped introduction and explains who is playing which part, with Lauren as the "Shy One," Bustori as the "crazy" one, and Real Housewife as the "bitch"-- not nearly as clever as the first episode, but my enamoration has not worn off just yet.
Paris' "twist" for the girls-- oh yeah and two guys-- this time is that they have to share one small closet. Naturally this causes a conniption over the whole "she might wear my clothes" factor. Model-from-Texas-Corrie, who should just be called Tanorexic Barbie from here on out, calls out Plain Jane for being dirty, and that gives the girl her first and only five minutes of fame and face time when she admits she only showers every two or three days.
Paris joins the house for dinner and starts a raging game of "I Never," while Sinsu is off getting her hair Cloroxed. Paris' list includes: "I never closed a club," "I never used a fake ID," "I never hooked up with someone my parents' age," "I never had cosmetic surgery" (Tanorexic Barbie says three times and that they "finally got it right this time," which earns a solid chuckle and two cool points from me), and of course "I never had sex." Giggling behind her hot pink card, Paris tells Lauren "that's cool, though," as she has to sip from her red plastic cup. Aw, dude, they totally set you up! After Onch admits to dipping someone's toothbrush in the toilet (all of these people want to be on television, right? how are they not savvy enough to know how Paris found out about that already?), Sinsu walks in looking like a "Masseuse" (or at least a Mini Me for Paris) and wearing a skirt from Paris' line, (*cough, suck up!) but more importantly, she is carrying a tray of SPRINKLES CUPCAKES!!!! I want to reach into my television and eat every single one. I don't care if it's Bustori's birthday they're celebrating! You know what? The competition can end now; Paris’ new BFF should be that tray of cupcakes; I know it’s mine.
Paris announces their next challenge will be to party as hard as they possibly can (presumably the winner is the one who doesn't puke in front of a club?), and she actually heads out with them, which is kind of cool. LC promptly gets sloppy, spilling her whole glass of wine on BrWHINEan's head, and he naturally whines about it to Paris (seriously, this dude has had about five minutes of combined airtime between all of the episodes, and in all of them, he has done nothing but whine. Why is he still here—just to fill a quota?), who fake pouts at him, earning the second chuckle of the night, and then turns around and tells her minions that she's "over this," and it's onto the next club. Oh my Lord, I'm tired just watching them, and I'm reclining in bed in flannel pjs with some iced hot cocoa.
After a commercial break, the "24 Hour Party Challenge" episode returns with Onch grinding on some dude who doesn't realize right away that their parts match and then gets weirded out. Bustori pulls the "it's my f---ing birthday" card every chance she can and is clearly two sheets, though she was in rehab as a teenager, so I think her glass might just be full of ginger ale, and she's faking the whole thing (wishful thinking?). L.C. gets sloppier by making out with an average height Ryan Pinkston, and Every. Single. Other. Wannabe makes judgey faces in the corner at her, pointing and yelling: "Bad judgment." People in glass houses, guys... Real Housewife pouts in a corner the way an ex-classmate of mine who shall remain nameless used to do at my Halloween parties, and Kiki (real name) plays it up for the cameras; man I wish she had been kicked off too last week!
Paris leaves the limo to their own devices on the chartered yacht she prepared and Onch is the first to puke due to... motion sickness? Bustori yells "it's my f---ing birthday" some more and calls herself a "dirty old man" again. Vanessa the Snitch texts Paris to snitch out Bustori's Courtney Love behavior, and Real Housewife interviews that she "wasn't going to be a part of it." A part of me admires that she has some dignity, but a part of me knows she also wasn't really invited to be a part of it either. Paris checks in with some voice over in the morning about who's at the top of her MySpace Friends list and who's about to be "de-friended," and no surprise there, Lauren the Virgin is at the bottom.
Vanessa the Snitch is allowed to pick the winner, and she picks Onch, so the two get to take a private car to the next party location, where they are rewarded with a nap along their travels. Winding up at the Beverly Hills Country Club, they meet back up with Paris for a game of polo and a brunch with Kathy Hilton, whose disdain for being on this program is exactly what I imagined her disdain for seeing how her daughter turned out would be like.
With Vanessa the Snitch as the leader of the silver team, and Onch the captain of the pink (natch), they hop on their guys' backs (oh, did I forget to mention that the stallions in Paris' game of polo are hot, shirtless, gay pin-up types? Sorry, I don’t know what could have distracted me…) ) and play a quick game (two minutes long in reality TV world-- it never ceases to amaze me how the editors of these shows manage to milk three acts out of drunken hook-ups or verbal fights, but throw an actual challenge at them and... nothing. Also, what's the deal with Paris' voice over being the same on the bump outs as on the bump ins? Our attention span isn't that short; we're not that self-involved... well, okay, but not all of us are!). I feel bad for the pretty dude who had to carry Bustori; he was struggling.
Bustori meanwhile doesn't join the rest at the table because she drank so much-- oh, so I guess it wasn't just ginger ale, but it definitely should have been!-- (and you know, all the jostling from the boat and the guys running) she had to see the set medic. The wannabes, with Paris, her mom, and Tinkerbell 3 as a captive? audience, delivered "speeches from the heart" about what Paris and this experience means to them. Vanessa the Snitch, of course, goes first... and cries. There are a bunch of lame "toasts" about Paris' "energy" and "presence" and "courageousness" and then Onch stands up... and Kathy actually turns to her daughter and says "Oh my God, I thought that was a girl!" Third chuckle-- even though I had seen this moment in the teaser for the episode, it still held up.
Kathy's favorites were Vanessa the Snitch, Tanorexic Barbie, and Onch, who she again calls the "Asian girl." Tanorexic Barbie walks away with the prize, which we can only assume is the title of Paris' Pet for the week-- but we don't know for sure because we cut to yet another commercial for The Island which TJ Lavin ensures me "is about to heat up," but after last week's episode and how he berated Ashli into quitting, I have determined he's such a douche, I don't want to watch anymore Challenges that he's the host of, regardless of who the players may be, but maybe that diatribe is worth an entry all it's own...
Back to the Country Club, and the two who were in Paris' bottom mid-way through the show still are, and therefore Lauren the Virgin and Real Housewife are up for eviction from the mansion. Tanorexic Barbie receives a box of clothing from the new Paris Hilton line-- nothing when compared to the pink diamond ring Vanessa the Snitch was given last week! I guess it just goes to show that talking about your other friends behind their backs to your bestie really does get you further ahead. She's not even the pet; Bustori gets that honor (and a diamond skull necklace) just because it's her birthday. Damn, and I thought Claim Jumper gave you a good deal when it was your b-day! If I was in the mans, I'd be lying about my D.O.B. a.s.a.p.! Now, I must admit I know who goes home already tonight based on the "Coming Up This Season" trailer I saw on mtv.com last week, but still I watch on...
Paris holds the eviction on the roof due to the "lack of rain" (WTF?) this week. She tells Bustori that she's safe because it was her birthday this week. WE F---ING GET IT! Then she turns to her wannabes and asks their opinions on who should stay and who should go. It's about split, quite unoffensively and politically, for awhile, and then Tanorexic Barbie talks about "reading people's energies and auras," and Real Housewife can't keep it together on the "stand" and actually doubles over with laughter, but she actually makes a really valid and articulate point about how friendship is a partnership, and you have to walk side by side, but Lauren the Virgin will end up walking behind Paris, and Real Housewife will end up walking in front of her. Someone I can't hear says Lauren the Virgin will get swallowed by Hollywood, and she responds by saying "high school was really hard for her," and she has gained a lot of self-esteem and become a stronger person. She also adds God and her Christianity into the mix, and if I hadn't seen that aforementioned trailer, I would have waved her a not-so-sad TTYN (she is a bit vanilla for reality TV's taste-- even her real name, Shelley, is dull).
After a supremely anticlimatic commercial break, Paris calls Bustori up to the front, and yes, she is in her promised "cupcake" dress, which really just makes her look like Princess Porn Star, and she makes her announce who is going home. Real Housewife is out, and Lauren the Virgin is "really lucky to still be here."
God, I wish I had a screencap creating program for these Burn Book confessionals; they are gold! The pictures of Real Housewife range from curvy stick figures to squiggles with what Stella (aw, I missed her this episode; she was so quiet and in the background!) claimed were penises. Ah, it's only been two weeks, but these wannabes are already proving they are classy with a K... and an i-e!