This week, Paris' BFF opens with The Virgin saying they need more Coke in the house, to which comes the obligatory "you're not supposed to do that here, har har" joke at her expense because she is so naive she probably didn't realize what she said. This can't be the road the episode is choosing to take! Tanorexic Barbie, kissing Paris' ass by wearing her new, shiny Eiffel Tower necklace All. The. Time. gets a text saying that they are about to be tested on how much they know about Paris. Study time, beauties! Oh wait, that's the wrong network. Anyway, a few of them want to compare notes, but most know it's a competition, and they should keep whatever knowledge they have to themselves in order to get a leg up. Rawr. Paris says they're "onto" her and are about to partake in a pop quiz, game show style!
The wannabes are lead into the living room, which has been miraculously and secretly converted into a seventies style game show, complete with porn-star moustached host, and wall of prizes sitting off to the side of the blonde airhead (Paris) who this time can't even be bothered to point at "what [they] might win!"
In an attempt to drive people over to the show's website (or maybe just to condense events so there is even more screen time available for the in-house drama), the majority of the "I Heart Paris" competition does not play out for home audiences but instead can be found at mtv.com. We do get to see the final round, where Stella, Bustori, and Kiki answer questions like "In which New York City hotel did Paris grow up?" (though I must point out that on the show, they phrased that in a grammatically incorrect way) and "Which city named a day after Paris?" Kiki gets all of the questions right, prompting Stella to interview that it's "kind of creepy," and the expression on Paris' face has to agree: this is supposed to be a search for her new best friend, not her new stalker!
Kiki is given the choice to go shopping along the prize wall with her newly won "Paris bucks," but she wisely picks a one-on-one dinner with Paris instead (because if she didn't, she would have been (rightly) eliminated on the spot), and Paris tells her pet Tanorexic Barbie that while she's out tonight, she will be choosing someone to eliminate. Quite the one-eighty from last week, where Tanorexic Barbie herself came thisclose to walking out of the mans forever. To her credit, Tanorexic Barbie does her best to convince the other girls she's all broken up about this, but her face has been so Botoxed that the gleam in her eye can't be hidden. Mini Me does not look pleased!
Back in the house, the wannabes sans Tanorexic Barbie lounge in the Pet's bedroom (okay, the girl freaked out about not wanting anyone to wear her clothes in week two because some of them are "dirty," but she's a-okay with them lying on her bed? Or have the ones she deemed "dirty" already left?) and discuss who they think will be sent packing. Needless to say, as in all reality show history, they all feel they're a viable candidate due to their past dealings with this "loose cannon." Paris and Kiki eat at Citrus (they mention it so many times with exterior establishing shots and within dialogue that it's burned into my brain: must try new restaurant...) and discuss the drama back at the house-- presumably because they can't find any other common ground.
Tanorexic Barbie sits on Paris' throne (already? It's only ten minutes in; I guess this is another double elimination night!) as the wannabes parade in front of her and perch on hair dresser stools. She says she hates this and never imagined having to be in such a position; the Snitch hasn't stopped crying since the Pet's bedroom scene, and her face is bright red but surprisingly streak-free; Stella's made of stone and silently shooting daggers from her eyes at Tanorexic Barbie; Bustori nods in dazed confusion; and L.C. can't stop staring at Tanorexic Barbie's legs. They are awfully orange tonight; she must have applied a new coat of self-tanner just for this occasion. I hope she doesn't leave streaks on Paris' nice, white throne; surely that'd be cause for immediate elimination!
Drunk with power, and holding a bright pink feather half the size of her body, Tanorexic Barbie asks all of the wannabes to offer a "brief paragraph" on why they deserve to stay. Maybe it's edited down, but the Virgin simply says she "definitely loves Paris... and definitely wants to be here... and definitely deserves to stay." Yeah, but why? It may have been enough in school to be all cute and sweet and charm your teachers into thinking you answered the question... but you didn't, and Tanorexic Barbie is not having it. Bustori, sucking up to Paris by wearing her diamond skull necklace, simply says they've "had [their] ups and downs," and she'll respect whatever decision she makes. She's not willing to suck up to another wannabe, which is somewhat admirable. L.C. goes on the defensive and says all of the things she doesn't do which should make her the perfect friend: she doesn't talk sh*t, namely. Well what fun is that in Hollywood??? Paris is going to want a friend she can gossip with! Stella simply shrugs and waves her hand, wiping a fake tear from the corner of her eye, but Tanorexic Barbie pushes her and says she needs an answer, and Stella diatribes about her strength. Um, not a good idea then to pretend to cry if your main selling point is how tough you are, chicky. Plain Jane talks about how "real" she's been and points out how nice she has been to Tanorexic Barbie thus far. The Snitch, through her sniveling, talks about how fun she is; again, another nice sell! Mini Me says she's a "great friend" because "if you're in with [her], you're in for life." It sounds more like a warning to Tanorexic Barbie than a promise to Paris, but whatevs.
Back from "commercial," Tanorexic Barbie singles out the Virgin to tell her she has a good heart and has never said a bad thing about anyone in the house, so she's safe. Then she turns to Stella and reminds her how she was physically threatened during the racial disagreement. She also tells the Snitch she sometimes has a "crazy" look in her eye, but it's not so much menacing as it is spacy, and she pulls the karma card and tells Stella: "TTYN" and that she "may gather her things." Stella does but can't stop herself from saying that she doesn't think it's very fair that she was eliminated not by Paris' hand but by someone she had personal beef with.
Mid-episode Burn Book Confessionals have Mini Me bitching for the second time in the episode about how now the house is full of just chicks-- and not even the cool chicks like her. Back at dinner, Paris says she is expecting a text any minute now, and Kiki points out that if she eliminated someone the majority of the house likes, that's only further grounds to dislike her more. The look on Paris' face after reading the "text" is supposed to be one of shock, but it's pretty flat, and Kiki's "Oh no" is a forced assumption, but she says she wants to know now. She guesses correctly that it was Stella and doesn't feel so bad about it; she also comments on how "annoying" it is that they have to go out a back exit due to the paparazzi. Paris shrugs and says she's used to it, and I can see the strike against Kiki solidifying in Paris' mind: she's not only used to paparazzi attention, but she feeds on it, and she's going to need a BFF who loves the limelight just as much. Paris also reiterates-- verbatim, I must add-- the "physical threats are never tolerated" message that Tanorexic Barbie said in her good-bye to Stella. It's clear this is one of those times the producers directly feeds them lines of dialogue.
In a bid to get back into the good graces of the other wannabes, Tanorexic Barbie plays bartender during an impromptu pool party at the mans... well, it's actually more of a tanning party, since the pool goes virtually untouched. When Paris gets back, she says though they've managed to have a good time with each other, "no one has gotten any action in weeks," so she has to spice things up with "a game you might recognize from your middle school days." That's right, folks: seven minutes in heaven! Although since the partner is Simon Rex, or Dirt Nasty, as Paris calls him by his rap alter ego, it's more like seven minutes in STD land. And it is pretty funny when she says "he's in the closet waiting to meet each of you right now." Poor Simon: the laughing stock since way before What I Like About You (and at least then we were laughing with him... mostly).
Paris "hints" at who he is by telling the wannabes he's a famous rapper (oversell); he's constantly surrounded by groupies (nice way of saying skanks); and they will really have to work for his attention (he's A.D.D.)-- to which L.C. practically squeals her "Yay!" Do I even have to point out the Virgin is uncomfortable? No, but surprisingly Mini Me looks equally so: she claims to have figured out who he is, though, so her discomfort makes sense. Oh yeah, and she warns them that she'll "be watching." More so than just the giant painting of her that already sits on the wall, I'd bet.
The wannabes want to know what the others are planning to do, probably so they can one-up the person before them... although they're smart enough to realize they don't want to be the last one to be in there with him because "that's nasty." Ironic.
Kiki is up first, chomping her gum, and she doesn't seem to recognize him behind his dark shades, and she even goes so far to ask him what his name is. She just lost. Even before she refuses to kiss him on the cheek or give him "a hand massage." Well, I can't blame her for the last one; that was code if I ever heard it! She doesn't touch him at all in her seven minutes and instead sites "this is hard to get." Bustori is up next, and she flirts with the bodyguard before even making it into the room. She asks him his name, too (really?? I thought they were all starf*ckers), flirts with him, licks his bellybutton (Paris even seems a little grossed out watching from her AB monitor), and... oh, did I mention she has the big pink feather with her? That thing's seen some sh*t now, let's just leave it at that. She earns the nickname "Thunder Buns" and is told she's fun as she humps the door.
Paris sends the girls who have already played into a separate room to talk... or lie... about what they did in the closet. Bustori says she did what she did "for Paris" and because she just wants to win a competition. Okay, look: I know I made fun of her for being chosen as the pet simply for being born on a day she happened to be in the house, but that's certainly more admirable than winning for being a dirty whore!
Tanorexic Barbie walks in on Simon "meditating" and admits she's "got a man," so he won't cross that line with her, but he jokes around and makes her laugh, and she congratulates herself for "acting like a lady" even though she hasn't seen her boyfriend for Two. Whole. Weeks! The Snitch says she could hear those who went before her laughing, so she figured this challenge was more about being fun than raunchy, and she is asked to rap with him, do the Robot, dance around, bite each other... I'm pretty sure he is stoned by this point, and she earns the nickname "Buffalo Butt." The Virgin refuses to suck on his nipples, and even I'm not sure if his request was just a joke at that point. He did seem to have been warned about her, though, and he tells her he won't try anything "too crazy," but she agrees to give him a raspberry on his stomach.
And then comes L.C., who calls herself a "gangster," but can't even rhyme. She kisses him, gives him a shoulder massage, and tells him she's a volleyball player so she "knows how to play with balls." Meeting up with the other girls, who call her "Slutty Duddy," (which I find hysterical and fitting, btw, for so many reasons!), she admits she kissed him as they "ew" and says she "doesn't know what he has." Way to get self-righteous now! But he asked her if he could kiss her, so of course she was going to say yes! I mean, duh; otherwise is just rude!
Plain Jane decides to do "some warm-ups" before entering, and she's the only one who seems to recognize him, which probably should earn her some extra points. She tells him he can "chew on [her] cheeks if he'd like" but can't give him the "music" he asks for. She seems to be attempting to freestyle, and he tells her "the Virgin turned him on more." I died. D.I.E. Mini Me laughs as she enters, recognizing him as well, because they're already friends. WTF??? He tells her every girl has to kiss him on the cheek, and she gets oddly defensive (though if she really does know him, she knows something we-- and the other wannabes-- don't) and says she's "not every girl."
In the waiting room, L.C. is starting to panic that she made a mistake in being so... "open" with Simon and that she will go home because of it. Meanwhile, Bustori seems to be narcoleptic because she has passed out with her head tilted back. Paris says that this challenge was all about finding the line between "having a good time and being a good time" (uh oh, L.C.; looks like you were right to be scared!). Well, I guess she wants her BFF to learn what she hasn't been able to. Oddly she is impressed by the Snitch for her rapping skills (which we only get to hear now, in a purple haze flashback) and disappointed with the majority, especially Bustori who constantly talked about (and shook) her "orangutan" breasts. The Virgin is the one who gets the text from Paris, though, winning the challenge and the prize of a private slumber party with Paris, spurring a discussion of who might go home based on "who compromised their morals." Yeah, I don't think that's the problem; I think the problem is most of them had very lax morals to start with!
At Paris' house (the real one), the Virgin gets a tour of the black bedroom, the clothes closet, the shoe closet, and the space where "the music happens," and oh I can't do this with a straight face anymore, and neither can the Virgin, who doesn't seem nearly as impressed as Paris wants her to be. What Paris deems the coolest part of her house, though, is the little replica she had built for her dog's house. The Virgin doesn't seem to even want to play with the dogs, but to me, that would be the only fun part of the whole experience! They make mac n cheese and waffles, and to her credit, Paris actually gets her hands dirty cooking, which she claims she does often, which is more than the Virgin can say. Their "good nights" to each other are stiff and awkward, and I really feel like the producers are forcing this girl down Paris' throat. Assumedly it won't be for much longer, though.
Paris' voice over includes an actual "JK," and though I wasn't really listening to the first half, I nearly spit out my orange juice at that ridonkulous moment. She recaps as the girls take their hard metal thrones as Paris slips into her oversized cushioned chair. She tells Kiki she's safe because she "had so much fun going out" with her. Tanorexic Barbie is also safe because she did such a great job with such a hard decision earlier in the episode. Three of the girls, though, are just "complete trainwrecks" and are all up for elimination: Plain Jane, Mini Me, and Bustori. Huh. Paris says Bustori "gave it up" to Simon too quickly, and it was hard to watch. Really? Her? She said that was what she thought she was "supposed to do," but at least she didn't bore her. Plain Jane fights back, though, saying it's unfair to be sent home because some guy named "Dirty Sanchez" said she was boring (and she's giggling like she's not taking this nearly as seriously as Paris' stern face indicates she should). She says that would be grounds to reevaluate their friendship. Yeah, that's like pulling the "I wanted to break up with you" card after the guy has already told you he's seeing someone else. Mini Me was just "too cool for school" again, but she says she's not going to be "gandering" at celebrities; she never played that game before because it's "foolish;" and Paris doesn't need a groupie, she needs a friend, which she claims she can be a really great at.
When it's time to hear what the other wannabes thing, Tanorexic Barbie tells Mini Me to watch her patience and temper, but she's so cool, she doesn't want to see her go home. Kiki plays diplomat and says all three are great, and it totally just depends on what Paris wants in a best friend. Um, yeah, that's what the initial pitch of this show was! Wow, I really don't like this girl; how does she still manage to stick around? Paris says she can have "only one true BFF," and after a ridiculously long pause, "it won't be Mini Me." And though Paris says she loves that they got to know each other, and she'd like to stay in touch and be friends (just not best friends), she still pulls the TTYN card, negating all of the politically correct things that spilled out of her mouth just a second ago. It's for the best, though; in five episodes, I still couldn't figure out why this independent girl would want to hang in the background of Paris' world.
Paris tells the wannabes that are left to prepare for a wild weekend because the next morning (well, the next week to us), they'll all be headed to Vegas! They all clap and cheer over the idea of seeing the fake Eiffel Tower as if they're about to go to the real one. Though doing Vegas Paris style is a bit more extravagent than your average road trip, their excitement just seemed a little fake. Like Vegas itself.