Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Two More Bite The Dust...

Perhaps in my haste to get coverage up immediately after the show aired last week, a little bit of the magic and joy of Paris' BFF got lost in the translation. I have determined that I LOL much more when watching the show at my desk at work than in the comfort of my own home, despite losing a bit of face over the fact that others can actually see what I'm watching and how much I'm enjoying it. But I write about it, so I guess I really have no shame; it's not a guilty pleasure if you own it! Anyway, there's just something about the inane nature of Paris' persona shining through my desktop in my equally inane (but for different reasons) little cubicle; the show makes me smile in a place that is somewhat stifling. So I apologize if this (and subsequent) articles are a bit late coming to you, but I chose to watch this (the third) episode on demand, according to a different schedule than the one that airs linearly.

It was only the third episode of Paris' BFF, but she was bored already, so she decided to take her wannabes for a change of scenery. First up was a simple road trip to Six Flags, where she sent everyone on a rollercoaster. Now, one wouldn't assume that would be anything more than a twenty second montage of screaming and whooshing metal cars, but Onch really decided to kick up the drama queen card a notch. He's been putting it on so much, but I guess he caught wind of the fact that his fakeness was being outshined by Bustori's natural craziness, so he promptly pitched a fit about getting on the rollercoaster, claiming this was his biggest fear, and really they "should just shoot [him] if they want him to die because this is giving [him] a heart attack." Or something. He cried, he stomped his feet, he ranted and raved-- all over a challenge when just two weeks ago he was criticizing those who didn't partake in the makeover challenge; how dare he decide not to trust Paris' judgment now just because it doesn't suit him! Hypocrite! After literally getting down on his knees and pleading with Paris to give him some other (any other) challenge, she shakes her head, snickering, and leaves him on the ground-- literally-- as the rest of her wannabes take a ride. I guess it just goes to show how quickly those at the top can fall in Paris' world, as even she begins to question if he's for real.

After a quick montage of L.A., complete with a strategically placed billboard featuring her mug, Paris says there are some people in the house she has barely gotten to know-- this sets up the "winners" of the rollercoaster challenge quite obviously. It is not merely about who is willing to take risks and can still keep their composure, but also it is about giving equal opportunity face time to everyone, since everyone is clearly there to be a model-slash-actor. The perfect platform. So Paris tells the wannabes the winners will be those with the best "portfolios" at the end of the ride; a few cameras will snap in-motion shots at various points, including an upside-down shot. She watches from down below and laughs at their shots, but she points out L.C.'s in a complimental way for using her sunglasses as a prop and playing to the camera. BrWHINEan tries a bit too hard with his sucked-in cheeks, and Lauren the Virgin admits she was a virgin when it came to rollercoasters until today, too. Big surprise.

Paris passes out tickets or pamphlets with "assignments" for the wannabes. Basically it's just a list of more rollercoasters to ride. Onch cries. And throws up. Again. The nameless Plain Jane tells him he should "definitely be on a soap opera" and calls him out for playing up his fear of heights. Even Stella, wearing her Minnie Mouse ears (uh, honey, wrong theme park), makes fun of him. Paris tells the wannabes to "Vogue" through the next coaster, and this time there are cameras mounted directly on each car to keep "eyes" on them at all times. It's surprising how they are all able to do it without breaking concentration or eye contact; it's like they ride these things everyday! Then they have to do "cry faces" on one, and all I can think is that this is one giant advertisement to get more butts into Six Flags before it closes.

Paris sits in a giant white "throne" and reviews the photos on a big police department style white board. She tells Kiki she looks like she's pooping, but she loves L.C.'s model profile posing. Tanorexic Barbie gets a thumbs up, too; Stella looks "wasted," like a "psycho vampire," but pretty good in the last one. That's all we're allowed to see, and Paris announces the winner is L.C., who will be her guest at the MTV Movie Awards. I think it's a set up for her to get a walk-on on The Hills or the new Whitney in the City-- she'll blend right in. Paris also announces that she "just got a call that she has to go to Japan," and she wants to take a few wannabes with her... and we go to commercial wondering who.

A commercial (crap! I thought watchig on demand meant no commercials!) for The Hills According To Me comes on followed by a commercial for the real Hills, and I suddenly gain a little bit of respect for MTV for having their cake and eating it, too. They are still profiting on the superficiality of those who love the real Hills, but now they're bringing in those who can't stomach the stupidity of such vapidness.

Paris says you can learn a lot about a person when you travel with them, so she picks those she mentioned at the beginning that she doesn't know much about: the "Masseuse," Plain Jane, Mini Me, and BrWHINEan. She doesn't give them any time to pack, as the flight is "right now," and she sends the rest back to the mans for some usual debauchery as she leaves Knotts Berry Farm... oh, wait, my bad.

Paris and her new entourage get photographed the minute they touch down, and though no one's surprised by it, they still have to point out they're overwhelmed. She takes them to one of "her favorite restaurants in Tokyo" (read: the first one that signed the release forms), and Plain Jane starts to cry over how the prawns and crawfish were struggling on the grill, being cooked alive. Paris comes outside to "comfort" her and then snidely asks if she's seen "what they do to the chicken yet," fabricating something about a beheading. Nice. The "Masseuse" gets everyone doing sake bombs because when in Japan... "it's just appropriate." Mini Me interviews that she thinks the "Masseuse" has a drinking problem. Personally, I think the producers/editors are just trying to make her look more interesting.

Paris says she wants to know what's going on back at the mans, and though I doubt that, we of course cut there for a quick dinner scene in which Onch plans to give the girls pedicures, and Tanorexic Barbie says "of course you are." Personally I thought it was because he's so flamboyant and was the one to freak out over not having make up remover on him when Paris sent the note about their luggage being lost... but somehow they manage to turn it into a racist remark.

The jet lag must have sent in because no one sounds so excited to get invited to the MTV Music Awards, and that's even before they find out that only two really get to go because the other two are going to be eliminated and probably sent home before even going back to Beverly Hills to collect their skanky luggage. Paris ignores all the rules of reality competition shows just like she ignores the rules of life by eliminating at whim-- in groups-- and therefore not adhering to a typical episode order.

The competition is yet another appearance one as Paris makes a signing appearance for her "diehard" Japanese fans (does she think she's the next Mariah to them??). Personally, I could do without these interludes of Paris time; if she's not interacting with the wannabes, I don't need to see her on-screen, but this episode seems to be all about her. Maybe there just wasn't much of interest going on elsewhere? Hard to believe no one thought to get any b-roll of Tokyo! So while the wannabes take their $500 and shop for an awards show outfit, the very... hmm, what's the word... editors play "I'm Turning Japanese;" Mini Me gets a "shopping headache" because the fashion was too cartoonish for the girl who wears chains around her neck and sailor hats; and Plain Jane nearly has a panic attack from being so excited. Paris wants to get a feel for who these wannabes are through how they present themselves with fashion and overall look, and they accompany her on the red carpet (placed behind her, of course), and Mini Me is the only one to interview and admit that she doesn't just want to walk next to someone; she's a leader and wants to be in the spotlight for herself.

Paris' "friend" Fergie (Fuglie) asks her if she made a decision yet, and she's pretty diplomatic about everything, and then she stumbles through an uncomfortable broken English interview with some dude who she stands so far away from, the stick mic barely reaches her. There's the Paris we've come to know and well, loathe. All of a sudden, though, she pulls Plain Jane with her as she leaves the backstage "holding" area and heads out to the stage to present. All jaws drop, including Plain Jane's.

The dude who announces Paris says she "needs no introduction" because I guess you can't really call her a skank to her face, right? She actually lets Plain Jane say a few words into the microphone on stage as the rest of the wannabes watch with envy, jealousy, and coveting.

Back in the mans, they're still harping on the race issue. Bustori is extremely offended (and also almost completely unrecognizable without her makeup and wearing a bandana around her head-- ironic that she's commenting on "taking the trash out of the trailer..." then, no?). Stella and Onch get in on it, too, after horsing around half-naked with a hot pink boa in Tanorexic Barbie's bed, as L.C. and Lauren the Virgin just stand by and watch. If they ate, they'd have a bag of popcorn with them right now.

Vanessa the Snitch gets in on it, too, what seems to be the next morning, even though Stella is holding a flute of alcohol. Fueled by the juice (allegedly), she goes off on how she's willing to go home for "beating some girl's ass" and stabbing her implant. The goading of "hit me, please hit me" begins, as it always does in MTV reality show land, where raising your hand will get you sent home prematurely. Word somehow gets back to Paris, who has "zero tolerance" for racism (um, what??? I don't think I've ever seen her share a photo with a non-Whitey!), but really she should be more worried about those she schlepped with her because the "Masseuse" is claiming her drinking is good for her because it's only red wine, but Plain Jane points out that you're only supposed to drink one glass. Mini Me and BrWHINEan both almost lose their shit over the crowds mobbing Paris (and by association, them). They hang out with Simple Plan more than Paris and still can't really make a "huge impression." Well, sure, not one on one; it's a club scene there, but I'm sure Paris had minions taking note of her wannabes' general behavior, and they do rock the Rock Band!

The four wannabes in Japan put on kimonos to learn who goes home, all after wondering aloud if when they get back to the house people will be missing from there. Did the producers leak the fight? Plain Jane is obviously safe, after not upstaging Paris, but also not stumbling or stuttering or making a fool of both of them, at the awards. Paris calls out the "Masseuse's" drinking, asks Mini Me if she can be trusted, and tells BrWHINEan she still doesn't feel like she knows him, as he keeps fading into the background. To her credit, Mini Me is very honest in a way that normally I would think would turn Paris off, but she is an interesting catalyst, and therefore the producers need her for at least one more week. Paris asks Plain Jane who should go, and she wants to send people back in the house home because she's attached to these guys. Paris isn't having it: Plain Jane did have a misstep at the restaurant, so her opinion cannot be completely valued yet. It's a bit hypocritical when Paris gets rid of the "Masseuse" for partying too hard, but it's completely expected when BrWHINEan is sent packing, with a slightly uncharacteristic "Sayonara" this time instead of the snide, appropriately bitchy TTFN. Next week the claws really come out with some interrogations lead by Perez Hilton, when they all throw each other under the… limo and then have to share the frame in a sexy photo shoot. Man, I wish they ran these episodes back-to-back, like a marathon!

No comments: