Tuesday, November 4, 2008

If You're Going To Stab Me, At Least Do It In The Front...

Tonight the fate of our country lies in the hands of people who, the last time around, actually voted in a guy who hadn't been the majority's choice four years earlier and only spent those four years proving just why no one wanted him the first time. Needless to say, I wasn't super optimistic about the results, and although I want to scream "Yes We Can" out my patio door at my oddly conservative neighbors, I am reserving my excitement until it is announced which propositions California passed. I am not optimistic about those, either, and after hours of obsessively refreshing cnn.com, I am more than eager to take a break. MTV couldn't have picked a better night to air a new episode of Paris' BFF!

And on this "very special episode" halfway-mark episode, the wannabes fly with Paris (in her private jet, no less) for weekend of drinking and debauchery in Sin City. Paris switches it up a notch, though, allowing (or forcing) the cameras upon her wannabes and her audience, as she announces that "what happens in Vegas is for all to see." Surprise, surprise; the Virgin has never been to Vegas, which sets up yet another inappropriate "popping her cherry" reference, and also surprise surprise; the Virgin is "a little afraid" because of all of the loud music and the drinking. A few of the wannabes offer some Burn Book interviews (yay for that special little room getting more screen time!), and Bustori proclaims she won't be drinking while they're in Nevada.

Paris' interviews must not be taped all at once as I previously assumed because in this one not only does she had a new Joan Jett-esque haircut, but she also sounds like she has a cold. Or , you know, mostly likely did a line right before the director called action. All of the wannabes offer that it is "really awesome" experience to fly on a private plane. Plain Jane says it's great not to have some "sweaty guy" next to her, but the Virgin is just happy because there's food on the plane...? Really; from the girl who has never done much of anything, that's what you're focusing on? Kiki is the only one who doesn't seem impressed because she lives in Miami, where there are "always beautiful people, famous people" blah blah blah. The miserable face she makes while sitting alone in the plane when the other wannabes are fawning all over Paris sets up that she will be going home tonight. I put money on Obama, guys; I'm feeling lucky!

The paparazzi swarm for the five seconds the wannabes have to disembark and load into the stretch limo that is waiting for them on the tarmack. It takes them back to their hotel suite, where Paris leaves them up to their own devices (read: drama) to get ready for dinner. They all promptly choose sleeping areas, with the wannabes pairing up and leaving the Virgin the odd wannabe out. She goes off to find the lone cot in a huff, whining that she "got kicked out of her room because nobody likes [her.]" Somehow it turns into a whole big thing with Kiki stomping around like she owns the place, L.C. freaking out because she got caught in the middle of it, and Plain Jane making the very astute observation that Kiki is simply getting too comfortable here. With Mini Me prematurely eliminated, Plain Jane is certainly proving to be anything but her initial snap judgment nickname, and she is quickly climbing her way to the top of my list. Also, when she wears makeup, she's not so plain anymore.

Bustori treats the Virgin like a little sister, which is kind of sweet, even if her advice is "if they're going to be mean, f*ck them." The wannabes put on their streetwalker best to walk a red carpet into the restaurant with Paris. Bustori, in her animal print frock, plows through shots while L.C. and the Snitch have a confrontation at the other end of the table. Oddly, L.C. is the one to call out the Snitch for being two-faced; of all of them, I never expected her to be so astute! The wannabes dance to "Stars Are Blind," and then they head to Jeff Beached Whale's after party, which is rightly deemed a "Mad House." The bus that takes the wannabes to the next location is full of farm animals dressed as humans, and that includes Paris' boytoy of the moment, Benji Madden.

Plain Jane interviews that the Mad House was like Halloween but also like a "trippy acid movie," as everyone is in costume; there are Oompa Loompas running around; and Paris takes part in a "saw the lady in half" magic trick. In the words of Towelie: I have no idea what's goin' on!" I swear; there are dozens of super interesting looking people at this event, and we only get to see a two minute montage (and that includes thirty seconds of the "trick"), but the drama in the suite from earlier in the night? Five full minutes. Are you guys kidding me? Of course, though, Bustori's wild antics are the talk of the night, with the wannabes ganging up on her and saying that "Paris doesn't need a friend like that."

The wannabes return to the suite around five a.m. and are woken up promptly about an hour and a half later by two actual Vegas showgirls (headdresses and all) who march them off to boot camp at the Tropicana because they will be participating in a stage show of their own in honor of and for their not-so-gracious hostess. Anyway, Paris' reasoning is that "in her line of work" you have to be ready for anything at any time, but personally I think it's just a chance for her to pull a Mean Girls rank and haze her wannabes a little. Did I mention the showgirls had whistles? I die. D.I.E. Wrong network? Oh...

The Snitch can't believe how much there is to remember in performing! Remember to keep your head straight; remember to smile; remember the moves! Oh Emm Gee! Of course, Kiki says it's so easy for her because she's been dancing since she was a kid. Plain Jane, on the other hand, is super confused because she's a self-proclaimed "band kid" and not used to being in frilly costumes. Something tells me that part isn't what's going to throw her off in the long run. Still in their sleepwear, the wannabes load up with the capes and headdresses and then practice on swings for a second routine, which appears to be a little more interactive with the audience... but not as interactive as "Paris Hilton" and "swing" implies. Oh, and did I mention that the Virgin is "scared?" And that's before she sees the actual g-string of a costume she has to don for the show.

After a three or four hour practice, Paris rewards the wannabes with a trip to the spa. She reminds us that although they're getting relaxed and pampered, it is still a competition, and she is about to mix it up. She delivers notecards to the girls, each one with a different rumor Paris is starting about something another wannabe said about the one who received the card. For example, Bustori receives the first card that simply says: "Tanorexic Barbie (how great would it be if Paris nicknamed her that, too, btw??) told me you haven't actually been to Africa; is that true?" Bustori is not fazed, so Paris knows she has to step up the next batch or face the producers scrapping this segment in post (which clearly isn't the case, so it's obvious she makes the next bunch much more juicy. It's also obvious from the promos they've been running all week which of the wannabes can't handle people talking about her at all!).

Kiki's rumor is that she has become a diva since their one-on-one. She laughs it off because she knows she has been a diva since long before then! The Virgin's rumor is that she has said everyone's going to hell but her, and she handles it surprisingly well, too; Plain Jane's is that she used to be a topless dancer (oh and by the way, Kiki is the one telling people that); the Snitch's is that L.C. has a secret crush on her, and L.C.'s is that she has been saying bad things about Paris behind her back. Tanorexic Barbie is the only one who seems to catch on that everyone has gotten a pink card, so she, too, laughs off her rumor-- that she has butt implants. Paris quite coldly says "Welcome to my world" when L.C. breaks down because she hates gossip. She quickly changes her tune when she sees how serious it is... or appears. Really, L.C., you probably just need some more sleep; it is really not a big deal at all! Calm The F- Down!

After yet another two-minute rehearsal (in our time), Paris meets up with the wannabes in the dressing room and admits all of the rumors were fake, and she simply wanted to see "what they would do." She praises Plain Jane for staying calm, collected, and keeping what she read to herself. She wants to see who can crack under the pressure of more than just gossiping, though, which is why she is giving them this assignment of performing-- because, you know, everyday in her world is a performance; every time she steps foot outside is a performance. And oh yeah, she sometimes delivers mini concerts in clubs.

I feel bad for the patrons who paid money to see an actual Vegas revue and got stuck with some of Paris' wannabes instead. They are virtually unrecognizable in their pancake and red, white, and blue sequins. Paris sits atop her white throne (I guess they flew that in on the jet, too) and watches as everyone stumbles through. She is proud of them for stepping up, but she admits the performance was "hilarious." L.C. interviews that she'd never want to do this "for real" because she was sweating and it's "just too hard." For the most part, all of the wannabes seem to be in agreement that Paris probably won't be looking for them to get all of the steps right because as they know from past experiences (and from Paris' own career in general), it's all about attitude: it doesn't really matter how talented you are in the end to still be successful.

Though Tanorexic Barbie seemed to feel "at home" on the stage, Bustori is the one crowned as Paris' favorite, after she points out that "most" did really well. She puts Kiki and L.C. up for discussion, neither of whom understand why they would be chosen. Kiki is combative and actually does the whole head-swirl thing in her interview, saying she doesn't want to be up for elimination because she's already been up once. Um, someone should tell her that this isn't kindergarten, and not everyone has to have a turn! L.C. is convinced she's a good friend, so she doesn't know why she'd be up, either, and she also points out that she and Kiki are really good friends, so it will be even harder for them to be both up at the same time. Someone should clue Kiki in, though, because I don't think she thinks they're as close.

At the elimination ceremony, Paris makes a point to warn Bustori about her wild party behavior (Um, pot? Kettle; you're black.), but ultimately, she is safe, so it's all moot. She then tells the wannabes that at the spa, they had an opportunity to experience what she does on a daily basis-- but she quickly adds in the whole "regarding nasty rumors." L.C. blames her period for the emotional way she responded to the note, while Kiki just tries to pass of her "bad dancing" as something that shouldn't be relevant to friendship. Maybe so, but when you're claiming to know what you're doing, and then you go out and make a fool of yourself and whoever's in your company... and also Paris doesn't think she's taking this whole thing very seriously. Is anyone? Is Paris?

The wannabes don't hold back their opinions on these two, probably realizing just how high the stakes are. Plain Jane calls Kiki out for being high maintenance and a bitch; the Snitch calls L.C. out for the two-faced comment she made the previous night; Tanorexic Barbie calls out L.C. for making out with random dudes, which ultimately could spread further negative rumors for Paris (always the voice of reason, that one! who would've thunk it?); and the Virgin calls out Kiki for stealing her bed. L.C. just about breaks down when asked why Kiki should be the one to go... huh, this is a new development. Surprisingly, Kiki doesn't call out L.C. when it's her turn: she says that friends don't say bad things about friends, so she will only defend herself. Unfortunately for her, though, it's a lesson learned too little, too late, and Paris says her TTYN to Kiki after she admits she doesn’t get along with the other wannabes. Needless to say, no one seems upset.

I told you so!

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