Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Paris' Wannabes (And The Show In General) Get A Makeover...

Last week it appeared Paris was going to slough off her dirty work onto her pet yet again, begging the question as to who's show this really is and why it's being so obvious as to who her favorites are. Usually in a reality show, a host's personal opinion of the contestants doesn't much matter--unless it's an all-star Survivor because then every week you're just waiting for Probst to jump out of the jungle/outback/sea and stab Johnny Fairplay while he's sleeping!-- but in Paris' New BFF, that's all that seems to matter! Still, it was great last week for her to turn the tables not once, but twice: first by allowing the Snitch to pick who should be "up for discussion" but then by replacing one of her nominees with someone she deemed more fit and then by ignoring all of the wannabes' opinions when they said Tanorexic Barbie should be the one to go home. What could she possibly have left in store for us this week!?

In the first episode of Paris' BFF, the wannabes underwent a makeover under the guidance of Paris and the Heatherettes, but this time around, eight episodes in, the stakes are a lot higher, and the snark is out in droves. Paris, this time, puts the wannabes through make-unders, so to speak, when she calls back past wannabes who have since been eliminated to style the looks. They parade back in all of their glory-- and, you know, upset-- Onch, Kiki, and Real Housewife? Wow, I almost forgot about her completely! They're there to do the actual application of the makeup, in addition to picking the wardrobe and any props to be used on the runway, and of course the remaining wannabes have to coo and squeal and pretend to be excited by seeing all of their "old friends" again.

In the house, the wannabes talk about "good luck gnomes" (Tanorexic Barbie), diets (Plain Jane-- while she squeezes canned cheese onto a plate of Goldfish crackers), and how "insensitive" L.C. is with the things that come out of her mouth (something about a squished butt?). Well, I think we see the arc for this episode: looks like it's L.C.'s turn to be ganged up on (and probably sacrificed because of it!).

So Plain Jane gets Kiki, the Snitch gets Bustori, L.C. gets Onch, the Virgin gets Mini Me, and Tanorexic Barbie gets Real Housewife (or the other way around). There are no mirrors, so complete trust has to be put into the ousted wannabes-turned-stylists, and considering none of them are trying out for Lifetime's reality show for budding make-up professionals, Blush, next, it's pretty clear that they'll be less concerned with their technique and more interested in making fools out of their frenemies. All of the wannabes are nervous, as they should be, which only Onch astutely points out. Real Housewife claims she is doing an "urb-asian" look, and she begins by winding all of Tanorexic Barbie's hair around one bump on her head, as Tanorexic Barbie rambles on about the past challenge that Real Housewife wasn't privy to participate in. Uh oh, don't poke the beast, girl; she's got a blush brush in her hand!

Plain Jane freaks out a little because she called Kiki a bitch during her elimination, and Kiki seems to have a bit too much fun standing back and tapping the brush against her lip, taunting Plain Jane with what she is doing, but there's really not much drama going on there, so we move along to... Onch, who wants to cut L.C.'s hair, but her flat and nasal "No!" actually gets him to take a step back-- quite literally-- and he opts instead to paint weird black lines, which are assumedly a moustache and cheekbone facial hair, all over her face.

Ironically, the Virgin is the only one who really owns the runway (aside from the Snitch, who although she is having fun, has a "bag lady" getup that is too comical to be taken as anything but a mockery of the challenge, and Lord knows, Paris wants to be taken seriously!), in her 80s grunge rock gear. Actually, she's the only one who looks normal-- if not a bit Kelly Kapowski-ish-- even though Mini Me went right for the leatha... hmm, she must have consulted with Stella before heading back to the mans!

Paris tells everyone that the styles are supposed to reflect on who is supposed to be the best friend for Paris, which is just laughable because Bustori admittedly told the Snitch that the ugliest look was going to win, and the Snitch seemed oddly happy to go along with it. It definitely proves for the funniest moment of the show, as everyone cracks up and yells out: "Derelict!" Bustori explains herself by saying that since the Snitch was the pet twice, she included a collar and leash to the get-up. I guess that shows she has thought of things? because Paris likes dogs? But naturally, the golden girl who seemingly can't do any wrong, despite being an odd and opposite choice for Paris (or maybe not, if you were a soap fan in the late nineties you might remember a real-life virgin/ex-softcore star pairing of besties that confused some of the more narrowminded (read: Midwestern) fans), comes out on top. Tanorexic Barbie perhaps explains it best when she says that no one can paint crap on the Virgin's face and not feel badly about it because of how innocent and sweet she is: "It's like f*cking with Mother Theresa!"

The outgoing pet, the Snitch, is allowed to pick the new pet, and Paris points out not to choose L.C. because Onch said she had a bad attitude during the makeover challenge... and then L.C. diaries the exact same thing, just about verbatim, but she thinks she was being "reasonable" because she "doesn't like [her] face messed with." Plain Jane is the new pet, though again she's not super thrilled about it because she'd rather be a best friend than a pet. Now, that's reasonable!

The second challenge incorporates a lifesize cardboard cut out of Paris that has more personality than the original and probably weighs a little more, too. The wannabes set to the streets of Hollywood with the cutout and a camera, but instead of making a sequel to A Night In Paris with a couple of two-dollar hookers and the dude who dresses up as Batman, they are actually supposed to raise money for Paris' animal charity by getting tourists to pose with the cutout and then make a "donation" to their buckets. Not a euphemism, people! Tanorexic Barbie seems to be right at home working that corner; Plain Jane is a built too wrapped up in yelling at the others to get to work than to actually get to work herself (maybe being the pet has gone to her head?); the Virgin looks like the mean city streets are going to swallow her whole; and L.C. gets flustered-- and then a bit flirty-- as if she loses all track of what the task at hand is supposed to be.

Continuing with the makeover theme, although this time applying it not necessarily to the format of the show in general but to its overall look, Paris "mixes things up" a bit this time by putting the wannabes up for discussion in her Grotto rip-off hot tub. No one looks comfortable sitting on the edge in their bikinis, and it gets even worse when Paris allows them to go after each other (they pull the "little bit psycho" card as well as the stand-by favorite "she talks about me behind my back" to point fingers at anyone and everyone, but ultimately it is L.C. who gets sent packing for her pouty (foot-stomping child in department store pouty, not model who hasn't eaten in a week and a half pouty) look on the runway, as well as her inability to "sell" the Paris cutout. She looks too utterly exhausted to be sad that she's leaving, and something tells me "Lauren Conrad doesn't have to put up with this sh*t!" is the only thought skipping through her brain as she ass-out hugs Paris goodbye.

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