Wednesday, November 12, 2008

What Happens In Vegas Doesn't Just Stay There For Paris' Wannabe BFFs...

Last week on Paris Hilton's New BFF, the aforementioned heiress flew all of her wannabes to Vegas for an impromptu "Paris style" (read: drunken day of rumors) challenge, but being that it's Vegas, and you just can't get the whole experience in only one day, she announced at the end of the episode that though she would be heading back to L.A. a bit early, she was going to leave her wannabes there with one final assignment. While I was hoping it would suddenly take a turn for all reality shows on CBS, and she would make them find their own way back to the mans, instead she simply tells them that they have to chat up as many guys as possible... and get said guys' accompaniment back to the coastal state. Because isn't that what Vegas is all about? Forget the one-of-a-kind shows; forget the four star hotels; forget the twenty-four hour entertainment and the fine dining and the history: it's all about the peen.

So this week's episode started out with a brief recap of Paris telling the girls they'd get to stay (followed by cheers and claps, but oddly, no thank yous) and then what their assignment would be (followed by a few more cheers-- Bustori, I'm looking at you; a bit of confusion-- though L.C. always looks dazed; and a few hard, nervous gulps-- I think y'all can guess just to whom those belonged!) Now that Kiki's gone, Tanorexic Barbie is taking her place as the most conceited in the mans... or at least in the hotel suite, as she says this challenge will basically be a piece of cake. Mmm, cake. Oh yeah, and Bustori vows never to drink again. Again.

Paris says that the point of the challenge is for the wannabes to see the kind of cajones it takes to go up to strangers and try to make a connection. Bustori gets rejected by Pinocchio; Plain Jane is like "ew" because it's a desperate meat market in there (well, duh); but Tanorexic Barbie has found her element and finds three guys what is edited to seem like right off the bat. One of her guys was actually cute, so I'll give her some of the points she feels she is worth for that one. The poor Virgin, though, manages to find the one guy who is married in the room (well the one who is stupid enough to keep his ring on anyway). Oddly enough, L.C. is the one to point it out, and she lays into him for being a douche. She's not wrong, of course, but it's just interesting to see her be the morality police-- she the girl who made out with Dirt Nasty, not to mention some random dudes in Les Deux the first night, and from the looks of it, about to be some bald guy now she claims is into her, though she doesn't return the feelings.

The best part is that Bustori goes on a rampage about having morals and standards and class and not taking home just any trash to Paris. She speaks of the "beer goggles" some of the other girls (ahem, L.C., lookin' at you!) are suffering from right now and says she comes from too great a family (just like Paris!) to sully the name with lowering herself to the level of the douchebags in this club? Um, what? If this is Bustori sober, she's no fun! She mentions in an interview how she's Clark Gable's granddaughter, and he was basically the king of Hollywood, so she can't tread on the family name. Then the genius producers cut to a clip of her cursing with a lit cigarette in her hand inside the club. That image, coupled with the fond, fond memories of episodes past offer a nice ironic dichotomy.

Back in LA, Paris tells the girls they're getting one more night to find men to bring back to the mans, and these guys are local, so there's more of a chance of them not flaking. It must be six or seven when she sends them to the club, though, because it's bare. The wannabes mostly huddle together; Plain Jane even admits she's kind of into the dude she picked up in Vegas, but she obviously her heart (or more likely her hormones) are screwing with her smarts because Paris specifically said they needed to bring back a Vegas and an LA guy.

L.C. of course is working it, even asking some random dudes on the street to come back with them. Tanorexic Barbie of course raises her already surgically upturned nose at L.C.'s taste in guys, and also the bar ("I mean bar: B-A-R, bar") they hit second. I'm not even sure what that means, but I have a feeling if I were with them, I'd be agreeing with her. Here's the thing: as much of a snob as she is (and she is), I get it; it's hard not to judge these girls when you're watching them from so far outside their little superficial bubble. But Tanorexic Barbie is in that bubble with them, and people in glass bubbles... Anyway, she's treating this assignment more like a sales assignment, talking about how she's "making the pitch" and "racking up the eyecandy" with which to impress Paris. The dude she picks from the bar is so beefy, though, I wonder if she really thinks she'll impress Paris or just intimidate her; Paris' type has never seemed to be such a roid-rager.

At that second bar, Bustori drops the sober act and basically gets numbers from every dude in there, including ones she would have deemed "dirty and below her" (no pun intended) the previous night in Vegas, when she was on her high and mighty and dry kick. The Snitch runs into someone from her high school in Alaska, of all people and places. Yawn.

At the pool party the next day, only five guys actually show up: two of the Snitch's, including Sarah Palin's son (not really, but that's what I'm going to call all guys from Alaska from now on), one of Bustori's, who she admits is "kind of scrawny," and one for Tanorexic Barbie (the roid-rager). Oh yeah and L.C. has one, but I'm not sure which it could possibly be since the faces that flashed by her were so many and all pretty much looked the same. The Virgin's guy didn't show up, but at least she takes the initiative to call the guy and leave him a voicemail to see if he's coming. Plain Jane tries to get the Snitch to "give her" one of her guys, but clearly that's not going to happen, and it basically means the Snitch wins just by the sheer numbers. Oh, but not before Paris shows up with her "friend" Allison Melnick to judge the finds; needless to say, she doesn't really like anyone, giving 5s to the Snitch's finds for not really being her type and to the roid-rager because he's wasted. The 6s go to the other two, Bustori's for being too skinny, and L.C.'s for being "just all right." The Virgin and Plain Jane catch heat for not getting anyone back, naturally, and it's all kind of Oliver Stone obvious by the time they get around to announcing the winner and the losers.

The Snitch wins a ton of sh*t this time: an original painting by Paris' favorite pop artist, the role of pet for the second time, immunity from elimination, and a chance to have a very special role in the next little game they're all about to play. The Virgin interviews that yes, the Snitch is a "pimp," and she says it in a way that you know the producers told her to specifically use the word: she has the tone of "Pimp? Is that right? Is that what you wanted me to say? What does that even mean?" that my mother would have in the same situation. Anyway, the next game is a mock trial where the Snitch dons the judge seat and a full-on red robe and gets to ask the tough questions after the video statements come on. Man, I wish Mini Me hadn't have been elminated a few weeks ago; I'd just love to know which of her "celebrity rock star friends" the show could have scrounged up for this! First up is the Virgin, whose current best friend comes on to sing her praises for being sweet, genuine, and nice, which everyone kind of knows she is, and the Snitch can't believe the producers couldn't drag up someone-- anyone-- who has "any kind of something" on the Virgin. But if they had, it wouldn't fit with her character, now would it? The Snitch calls her out for being boring, and Plain Jane interviews that she still doesn't know much about the Virgin other than she goes to church three times a week... and is a virgin. Doesn't sound boring to me; you guys are nuts!

L.C. gets two friends who tell some story about her getting drunk in a club (go figure!) and going into the bathroom with them to compare boobs and then straddle one of them in a chair and kiss her. It all sounds like the kind of story that starts out based in truth but then gets exaggerated with what they think the person wants to hear just in order to keep all eyes on them. Plus everyone knows L.C. is "a good time," so this isn't that damaging.

Bustori's ex diatribes about how she's a loose cannon, will let you know when she's pissed at you, will lie and cheat, and has egged cars just for taking the parking space in front of her house. She cops to it all, but she adds that she dumped him, so he must just be hurt and lashing out, and oh yeah, she cheated on him. Way to sink your own ship, honey! How is that not dragging down your family name or whatever? The Snitch calls Bustori "volatile," and she asks what she means; someone get this girl a dictionary, please!

Tanorexic Barbie steps up, and it's one of her "ex-friends" who has bright pink extensions and giant fake boobs. This chick talks about all of the dudes Tanorexic Barbie has slept with... while they were in relationships with some of her other friends. She takes the whole thing with less than a grain of salt, laughing for the cameras, as the chick says she is "all about herself" and tells Paris to flat out run. The Snitch only asks her to "explain herself," and Tanorexic Barbie basically turns the tables and says the chick was lying about everything-- except the sleeping with her friend's ex-husband.

Plain Jane gets an in-person visit from her old high school frenemy who tells a story of friendship gone wrong because Plain Jane was hanging out with her ex-boyfriend when she actually needed her. It's all very high school. What's kind of cool, though, is at least Plain Jane gets to say her piece to her accuser, but when she tries to explain herself to Paris, the Snitch keeps cutting her off. I'm tellin' y'all it's sabotage!

Paris decides that since the season is winding down, it must be time to shake things up. These wannabes have gotten too comfortable; they're at that point in the game where they think they know exactly how to play it. Paris allows the Snitch to call Tanorexic Barbie and the Virgin down to the mat, so to speak, due to their less than stellar performance in the Vegas Take Home challenge (the Virgin) and based on the not-so nice things her ex had to say during the mock trial (Tanorexic Barbie). Personally, I think Paris should turn the tables on the Snitch and strip her some of her newfound power before it goes to her head and she starts swinging naked from the chandelier with a bottle of champagne in one hand and her diamonds in the other (an image I'm sure was in Paris' past, too): I would love to see Paris tell the Snitch she doesn't agree with her decision, even if she does, just so she puts her back in her place and lets all of the wannabes remember who's really in charge here. However, after hearing their "heartfelt pleas" (even Tanorexic Barbie's not-so-backdoor bragging about being born beautiful and being hated for it), Paris says she agrees. She tells the Virgin she believes her when she says she truly wants to be there, and she admits she wants to get to know her more (um, two weeks ago she won a chance to have a sleep-over at Paris' house; if Paris still feels she doesn't know her after that, well, let's just say there can't be that many layers), so she "pardons" her-- you know, like the presidential turkey; it is that time of year, after all. The remaining wannabes' jaws drop, assuming that Tanorexic Barbie is going home, but one look at the clock tells us they would be assuming prematurely (and therefore probably wrongly). Paris calls Bustori down in a surprise switcheroo she really should have seen coming, considering what her ex had to say about her. Instead, though, she simply looks pissed.

If she hadn't have shot daggers into Paris' eyes, she might have been saved, but after Paris takes the wannabes through the usual song and dance about pleading their case and then asking the others in the house for their opinion, she finally puts Bustori out of her misery; take notice, all you rest of the wannabes! because absolutely no one is going to steal Paris' spotlight, and Bustori, with all of her loud, obnoxious, wild drunkeness often did just that. And she paid the ultimate price for it.

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