Tuesday, January 6, 2009

A Bro-athalon Worthy Of Any Olympian's Offspring...

It is only the second week into MTV's newest pseudo-celebrity-searching-for-a-bestie show, Bromance (with Brody Jenner), and already I think I may be able to call it as being better than the original: Paris' New BFF. But first, I must say that I am ever so grateful to Time Warner and Viacom for working out their differences so they could continue to bring me this gem of a show. Okay, now that that is out of my system, back to my original point: after all, it is one-part glitzy, glamorous look at Hollywood with Brody and his real life BFFs, Frankie and Sleazy T (don't let the photo to the right fool you, they all have much better senses of humor about themselves than it may appear), but it is also one-part super low budget self-deprecating mess ala EgoTrip's White Rapper Show. Case in point: this episode's "challenge" for the guys was a multi-part "bro-athalon" that featured Laz-E-Boy slalom-ing, blow-up doll rafts, and panties as headbands (of which it is not entirely clear if that was an official part of the competition or if the guys just got creative). Things are heating up!

So after a quick recap of the premiere episode and the guys sitting around talking shit about Jacob the D-bag who went home and also Femi who apparently "talks a lot of sh*t" (and also doesn't know who Sammy Davis Jr is). Brody picked my fave Gary as his "pet," proven by calling him on the cell to tell him to round up the guys and their tennis shoes for the day's events. And just like that we were onto the competition.

Brody sat like the godfather he is in the recliner as he designated Sleazy T to explain the rules: basically they had to roll down the hill and pick up three "dude items" (a remote, a beer, and a pizza) and make it to the finish line in the quickest time. A few wiped out, a few were successful at completion even after getting doused with Gatorade coolers full of water, and one (Luke) practically flew down in only thirty seconds. But that's not enough; there are more legs before a winner is determined! And Brody even asked to see an impromptu dance-off between Gary and the still-smack-taking Femi... sadly, they never ended up dance battling, though, but Femi sure moved his mouth a lot.

The guys piled back into the van to be taken to their next location. Secretly I think they were just being driven around in circles as some sweaty PAs had to re-set up the part of the park in which they had their permits to film. They actually ended up at an indoor pool, though, and I admitted I was wrong and ate my crow with a side of sprinkled cupcakes. So the guys had to build a raft out of some blow-up dolls, tying them together with panties as rubberbands, I guess, and they split off into teams of two in order to do so. The whole thing lasted five seconds, so I couldn't even tell you who was matched with whom except that Brody got in on the game so the last man standing could still participate. Even though Femi can't swim, his team pulled out ahead in the very beginning, which sucked for everyone else who already named him as the show villain. Two white boys won, though again it was so quick I couldn't distinguish between which two; they all look alike anyway.

Now, the Bro-athalon was undoubtedly a jab at Brody's father, Bruce Jenner, who was an Olympian himself, but I doubt he would be too proud to partake in any of the events, except possibly for the final leg, which was called Bro-MX but despite it's redonk name was pretty much just Motocross on ten-speeds. Slightly more respectable... at least by comparison. The bikes were small and with pink tassles to emasculate these guys just a little bit more and prove Brody is the man and the sh*t. Jered claimed to be six-three and didn't have any idea how he'd be able to catch any air going off the ramp, let alone just riding such a tiny instrument. I called bullshit; he looks more like five-eight to me. Alex gave an impressive jump of just over fourteen feet and held the lead because Femi wiped out at two feet seven inches. That boy really is all talk, and Brody finally started to see that.

So in yet another reality show the actual scripted stunts got cut short in the broadcast by the drama between contestants as the guys ganged up on Femi while playing pool and made fun of the animals to which he often compares himself? Or something. I heard the word dolphin get thrown around almost as much as the word bitch, and I just got bored. Less fugly, more Brody, please!

After the "manly" day of sports, Brody called all of the guys, one by one, to a candlelit campfire in the backyard in order to have his "alone time" and really get to "feel each one out." No, sadly, not literally. He did call it "bromantic," though, and I threw up a little in my mouth.

So Brody wanted to get to know these guys for who they really were, and surprisingly first impressions proved once again to not always be correct, as Gary (the funny nerd-- nicknames coming soon?) actually threw Kemi (shockingly his real name, by the way) under the bus for being "fake," and Meathead Jered broke down when the subject of missing his family came up. He shed one single tear (maybe he should try for a soap opera) and said it was only because of how comfortable Brody made him feel: "it's like you've known him your whole life." Luke joked around a lot but said that the crazy stuff Brody gets into is what he and his buddies do, too, just times ten. Little Chris bonded with Brody over being the youngest in his family, and Alex bonded with him over having a step-family; Femi told a story about the hard knocks of getting suspended from school-- what sounded like it was years ago; and Chris P. let his nerves get the best of him after admitting he has a crush on L.C. and getting a stern (but joking) warning from Brody about it. He even called it an "interview;" dude needs to lighten up; it's just reality TV!

Anyway, Gary actually came clean to Kemi about what he said which was shocking and refreshing and stupid all at the same time. He told Kemi he "want[ed] to be a friend to [him,]" which would have been more believable if he moved the upper half of his face when he spoke, but it was still a great moment, and I'm sure it was one that the producers instigated through a prompt in an interview that we never got to see. Kemi called Gary out for being like a female for gossiping which brought back bad memories for Gary who used to be called gay for being a dancer as a kid and made me just want to punch Kemi in the face. And I'm pretty sure the "tough growl voice" he speaks in is put-on.

This week's elimination was sadly not in a hot tub, though it was still water-themed: Brody took the guys out for a little sunset cocktail cruise, which must have done wonders for Chris P.'s hangover! He started puking in the van ride out there, which was just so chick-like; he and Femi would make a great lesbian couple! See, the night before Brody took Chris P and Femi out to the Vodka Bar because he wanted to get to know them a little bit better, and boy did he get to know them! Chris P tried so hard to impress Brody with how much he could drink, but since he was upset with himself because he didn't feel like he was being himself with Brody, and he was angry he wasn't winning competitions, he basically just proceeded to get sloppy drunk in a bid for attention and sympathy, like any sororstitute (fitting for this fraternity president then, no?). Brody didn't want to have to pick his boy up off the floor for being sloppy drunk... and he didn't end up doing so, but only because Femi picked up the slack in that arena (Brody must have ben over his allotted SAG hours for the day). So it was really no surprise when Brody placed him in the bottom three with Femi, though the Little Chris being down there along with them made a little less sense. I guess Brody just had to pick someone to be the third wheel, though. Just like Paris, he made each guy plead their cases for why they should stay, and as they began, all I could think was that I hoped whoever he opted to eliminate ended up stranded at sea... and sure enough, minutes later, when Greeky Chris P. was sent, well, swimming, he was dropped into a dinghy and given an oar and told to paddle his own way home. And though I don't necessarily believe he should have been sent packing over Femi, who was being himself but it was a self no one liked, the moment was still just as good as Bret Michaels dropping the girls on the curb as his tour bus pulls away on the newest season of Rock of Love!

Oh yeah, and Brody still = SWOON.

1 comment:

Monkey said...

I was so happy that MTV thought to make such a bromantic show, it brought a little tear to my eye...
coffee!