Monday, January 19, 2009

Dude Alert!...

Whatever happened to the idea that dudes were too manly or "macho" or whatever to cry, let alone cry in front of other dudes or a camera? Whatever happened to those dudes who would only slap hands with each other in a greeting or a good-bye but then pull away quickly, lest their brief contact be misconstrued? Whatever happened to the dudes who would give even their dads the "ass out hug?" Well, there is not only a new generation of "dude" but also a new definition in general. Gone are the days where a little ribbing about each others' sensitivity is a metaphor for their true sexuality. And this is all due, in part, to the appearance of so many dudes on reality television, least of all on Viacom programs like Brody Jenner's newest.

Okay, so tonight on Bromance is a camping trip, some more guy-bonding time, and a wrestling match with a biker-- and not necessarily in that order. Dragging the guys out of bed, and the house in general, at the butt crack of two p.m., Brody brings them all to a dive bar that looks like it walked right off the Feast set and into the center of Hollyhood. There a biker "friend" of Brody's shows up in full leather gear: pants and vest to match, with reflective shades and long Dog the Bounty Hunter hair. Oh, and did I mention this all comes after a quick montage of the guys wrestling with each other within the house? I guess that sets up perfectly the next challenge that is to come: the guys have to go mano e mano, toe to toe, as it were, with the biker in a makeshift ring. Oh, and Brody must really want to get a shout out, RICK style, by Joel McHale because he and his "real" boys mention watching The Soup every Tuesday so many times one would assume this show is switching networks.

So the "winner" of Brody's first challenge of the day will be the guy who can stand the longest in the ring, but of course not many have much luck-- being flipped over and tossed around like the blow-up dolls they toss around back at the house. To his credit, Brody is just looking for a guy with heart (and balls) to try, but really he must just need a good laugh. I mean, this biker looks like he should be on American Gladiator, and all of the wannabe bros are sticks in comparison. Little Chris is perhaps the best, who just scurries around, side to side, and decides his "strategy" is to "talk to the guy" and see if he's down with conversating? Yeah, needless to say it doesn't work, and the photo to the right is of him being thrown over the ropes. Alex, however, is quite impressive, having undoubtedly taken a kickboxing seminar in the sorority house at least once or twice. Luke, though, turns into a killer and actually slams the biker to the mat. The rest of the dudes get turned on, but I wrap myself in my Snuggie, slightly afraid of the scruffy boy-next-door (because aren't those always the most violent criminals?).

Next up in the day's activities is a camping trip to the "real wilderness." It looks suspiciously like Malibu to me, though. And man, Brody must be as A.D.D. as I am if an impromptu fighting match isn't enough excitement for one day! I mean, today I took my dog for a walk on the beach, bathed him, wrote two chapters of my novel, and then watched a car on fire in my apartment building's garage, and I'm exhausted! I don't know how Brody does it; he must take a lot of really quick naps in the time he is not on-screen. Talk about an adrenaline junkie!

So camping with Brody consists of hiking, fishing, pop-tents, campfire stories, and some pranks with the wild animals in the area. Of course Gary complains about the dirt, rocks, and fact that there are no outhouses. He and I have a lot in common, but for that reason I don't think he'd make the best friend for Brody because when Brody goes camping with the boys, he doesn't want to bring his girlfriend along-- which is also why I don't think Gary would make a good girlfriend for Brody. But I would because I get that, and I respect that, and most importantly, I'd let him have his boy time. Gary also refuses to stand in the sun or help gut and clean the fish that the other guys catch-- even though he has had experience working in a fish restaurant. Hmm, something tells me there is more to that story than he is letting on. Maybe he stabbed a man with the crappy little gummy Swiss Army knife and doesn't want to experience flashbacks on a reality show, I don't know. But I hope it comes out (and breaks down) during the guy-bonding time!


Luke and Brody break off from the group to go have their own five star dinner as a reward for doing so well in the fighting challenge. Lobster, steak, wine, beer, orange camouflage hats, and Spencer Pratt badmouthing. I'm so glad I could be at their table, even if only by being a voyeur!

So Brody and Luke join the rest of the guys around the fire for some jokes and stories about the famous people that they know (okay, so basically what I'm saying is that Brody talked and talked... but it's okay because you get distracted by his big white smile, and it doesn't really matter what he's saying or who he's name-dropping). Of course they all start to share their past sexual exploits-- even Little Chris, who I am still convinced is gay-- and then there's Alex who almost did it with a dude because he met some swinger at a bar and didn't see it coming (no pun intended). And then there's Gary. Who only has "beautiful" stories about women. Okay, look, I wouldn't want my ex-boyfriend to go on national television and divulge secrets about anything public or embarrassing or just too intimate, but I expect he'll talk amongst his own friends, and that's just par for the course and something to be expected. Gary is too surreal for me.

Frankie and Sleazy T must have pitched a hissy fit over not being invited camping because they roll up in the middle of the night to get in on the fun, and they bring iguanas or baby gators or whatever with them so they can sneak into the tents and surprise the guys with little woodland critter friends. As far as infrared footage goes, The Real World still has this beat, but it was a nice comic two-minute moment.

In the morning, though, the fun and games are over, and a "trust coach" or whatever those guys call themselves nowadays is called out to the campsite to teach the guys about "friendship circles" and the "fall back" exercise and how to just generally share their emotions. Um, guy? I don't think they have a problem with that; you could do a drinking game with the amount of tears they shed! And of course, again, this couldn't have come at a better time, though, because just minutes ago, Little Chris was making insensitive "Bro-back Mountain" jokes about Luke and Alex' budding friendship. So the guru in white muslin has the guys do energy and vocal exercises to get them started and then begins the mantra-chanting: "I deserve to be here" (um, not all of you do); "I can be a great friend" (um, not all of you can), etc. They have to express their greatest fears, and the tears don't start until Brody admits he was a mama's boy when he was a child and never even used to want her to leave the house. Collective "awww" now, ladies!

Tonight's elimination is back at 717 Olympic, on the roof no less, but taking place in bathtubs?? Man, they are running out of places to house water, and fast. Um, here you go guys: in a pool, in the ocean (Malibu is right there), on a lake (like the one you were just at "camping" or we've also got a man made one in Van Nuys; Brody, you can use my apartment as base camp!)-- some examples, free of charge! So anyway, long story short, Gary gets sent packing because even Brody couldn't stifle his smirk during the circle jer-- I mean, sharing segment when Gary broke down and admitted he changed who he was too often because the "one constant in [his] life was always inconsistency" and then was forced to yell out "I am enough!" and he chose to hug the guru instead of Brody. If the dude is on the show to find out who he is, he's obviously not ready to jump into a deep or meaningful friendship with a guy in a town and an industry that preys on the lost and the questioning. Oh, but Brody, did I mention I'm available?

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