First off, let me just say that few things piss me off about television more than when a company edits the sh*t out of a broadcast that was clearly shot as live-to-tape but yet no one was watching the clock-- so the producers end up with a show that extends much further past the time slot that the network airing it will allow them. Normally, this just means speeches are trimmed and questions removed, but often in the case of Viacom reunion shows full-on contestants just get cut out of the broadcast, disallowing the at-home audience to learn what they've been up to since their season wrapped. That being said, I present to you my very-much-live blog about the Rock of Love Charm School with Sharon Osbourne reunion show.
06:59 Ricky introduces the show, which leads into the opening we have all come to know and love and probably guffaw at a little less with each passing week.
07:00 A quick black screen leads me to believe a commercial should have been entered there, but instead Ricky is back, recapping the season in thirty seconds and then welcoming each by name. The camera cuts to each one quickly, but not too fast to notice that Megan (who is shown first) is in a bikini and nothing else. Well, and probably stripper heels, but we can't see her feet.
Dallas, Angelique, Beandy C, Inna, Heather, Rodeo, Jessica, Destiney, Courtney, Lacey, Brandi M, who with her dark brown hair, now looks a lot like my cousin, Shari, are all there. Oh yeah, and Daniella is, too, suspiciously sitting amongst the skanks and not looking too happy about it.
07:01 The crowd gives a standing ovation when Ricky brings out Sharon, who looks like the coolest tough mom in a cropped leather jacket and surprisingly devoid of bling.
07:02 Sharon admits that she thought, going into the show, that the majority were there just to be on TV, but then she adds that most wanted to learn something. Emphasis on the most.
07:03 And with that Ricky brings up Angelique, who got kicked off before I began watching, and who really, truly looks like that weird hermaphroditic muppet from Animal's band. Is she really even French? When they subtitle her answers to Ricky's questions about modesty and what she is doing with her life now, they are written phonetically and really don't help to clarify what she is saying. She rambles on for a few minutes, and I have to wonder why part of her section wasn't cut, especially knowing a few women don't get to speak in this special at all. What made her stand out above them (especially Brandi C, especially after the spitting incident)!?
07:04 Angelique mentions she just got back from New York, where she did a scary movie, but the way she explains it is kind of like the chick in Love Actually who only speaks Portuguese and has to resort to pantomiming when she asks Colin Firth what type of book he is writing. Well, a porn version of that moment anyway.
07:05 Ricky pitches to commercial with Courtney, some chick in flannel who also got kicked off before I began watching. This is lame. L-A-M-E, lame; there is no accent mark above that e!
07:07 During a commercial for Damages (was part of Viacom's new deal with Time Warner to advertise other channels?), I realize I should confess this is actually my second viewing of this craptastic special. I caught an early screening earlier in the week but opted not to throw up a review prior to it airing "wide," as I didn't want to ruin the fun for everyone. It's one thing to read about it, or even to see stills, but it's another to watch the mess fall apart in front of your eyes. Like, we all heard about Sharon going after Megan weeks ago, right after the show taped, but a paragraph or two over the AP wire doesn't do it justice...
07:09 A montage of Courtney, who apparently was a drunk on two shows now, and Brandi C. believes she should have worn a tee shirt that said "Do Not Feed Me Alcohol." Well, Brandi, if you knew she had a problem, she obviously didn't need the shirt; she just needed some more caring housemates!"
07:10 Courtney is brought down to sit across from Sharon, who thinks she looks fabulous, and Ricky says that since "she did walk down the stairs all by herself" (nice dig, dude) it appears she's doing well. Sharon reiterates how bad she feels for the girl for "f*cking up so publicly"... twice.
07:11 Courtney did not go to rehab, but she is in therapy. Um, okay. In order to pump her up so she continues on this straight and narrow path, Sharon points out that she looks and seems like a completely different woman.
07:12 Brandi M apologizes for her "unladylike" behavior of feeding Courtney drinks in what must have been the first or second episode.
07:12 Courtney still takes the free drinks her fifteen minutes of fame gets her when she goes out to bars (um, maybe she should spend more time on the therapy couch and less out in a bar!), but at least now she passes them to her friends.
07:13 Kristy Jo is brought out in her full fat suit and afro wig from the "Make Under" competition, and she has a little more fun with it by pulling a Twinkie out of her pocket and taking a bite. Huh, I didn't even notice she wasn't sitting in the group of skanks when Ricky initially introduced them. He was going so fast, but I just assumed he was really pressed for time. Maybe he just wanted to gloss over the absence.
07:14 Here's an idea, VH1: if your show is running long, skip the rerunning of clips we saw not only in the original episode but also in your hour long clip show! I don't care about Charlie O'Connell, and I really don't think anyone else cares either considering how little work he gets.
No need to send me payment for that gem of wisdom; just consider it a taste of what's to come if you hire me, and hire me!
07:15 Kristy Jo rambles on about how much she changed from that challenge because she was really self-conscious, and... I think I fell asleep for about a minute and a half.
07:20 Back from commercial, Kristy Jo now looks like herself and is among the skanks.
07:20 Video about Megan-- the only one who didn't change or grow or learn anything. Naturally, the video opens with Megan talking about how she wants to be a trophy wife... because her own spin-off dating show will premiere on VH1 later in the year. Nice integration, guys. As if we haven't seen enough of her puffy cokewhore face and elongated torso.
07:22 Ricky calls up the obviously drunk and slurring Megan and tells her "left, right" in case she can't remember how to walk. Good call, Ricky.
07:23 Sharon calls her out for coming on the show just to promote herself, and although she says she's pretty smart for it, she has a bitterness on her tongue that if I didn't already know she is about to get into it with Megan (and really, why else have I tuned in?), I would think this would set it up nicely.
07:24 Rodeo comes down and talks about how "seriously" she takes the shows she has been on, whereas Megan... doesn't.
07:24 Rodeo says Megan is not a lady, and Megan's retort is that she's "a man" with what must just be a drunken slip of her Midwestern accent. She starts to say something about Rodeo's son, and everyone jumps on her for it.
07:25 Rodeo shows off a pair of waterproof jeans that she is wearing and also the spokeswoman for? She has so many little get rich quick projects, I just can't keep up! Maybe she should bring out her barbecue sauce and pour them on the jeans to test the gimmick.
07:26 Sharon only has positive words for Rodeo, though, telling her to keep "knocking at that door" until something works for her. Someone in the audience keeps yelling "hit her," though, and I must agree.
07:26 Megan says Lily is "very sad that she can't be here tonight" but she just had the spaying operation... to which Sharon says "I think you should join her and have that operation, too." In case Megan was too blitzed to know what she meant, she explains: "I don't think you should be allowed to breed; one of you is enough." I concur.
07:28 The crowd goes wild!!! The studio audience is on their feet; Megan has been escorted out; and the rest of the skanks rush the stage to hug Sharon.
07:29 There is too much excitement, so Ricky pitches to commercial. Just when it was getting interesting!! You can't tell me all I tuned in for has been cut down to a thirty-second blip!?!?
07:32 Sharon is "fabulous" after the ordeal that is shown again right now for those who may have been taking a pee break only minutes ago.
07:33 Ricky wants to set the record straight that though Megan's recent interviews have claimed Ricky hit on her during filming, he does "not date outside of his species." So I guess that's a denial. He also thanks Sharon, and I think that comes from all of us.
07:34 Lacey's turn for a quick clip show. I don't think it's possible to hate her anymore, but show this to me one more time, and it'll prove me wrong.
07:35 And now her turn in the hot seat, where Ricky points out how "everything was a game" to her, and she just treated everyone as pawns. Her hair is as pink as ever, but at least she is showing Sharon some respect.
07:36 Sharon points out how she used to be a lot like Lacey with her hotheadedness, and on that note, Ricky brings up Dallas, who sits next to Lacey on the couch and begins to dig under Lacey's skin the same way Lacey did to her during the season. Bitchiness is cyclical, I guess.
07:37 Ricky calls Dallas "somewhat intelligent," and she takes it as a compliment. I swoon for Ricky just a bit.
07:37 Daniella felt "played" as she watched the season, and she chimes in from a distance, like she is an afterthought in this reunion as she was all season. Me thinks she most certainly will not be signing a return contract...
07:38 Recap of Heather's last night in the house... assumedly it is her turn next.
07:39 Heather comes to the stage, and they roll some footage of something that went on before the show where she almost didn't make it on air because of how "disrespected" she has been.
Apparently her agent wanted to be in the dressing room with her, and her response was "but I'm not everybody" because she has an entourage... the former Anna Nicole Smith team, no less.
07:40 Bless his heart, Ricky points out that that might not be the ideal career path, and Brandi M cracks up before he even finishes his words.
07:40 Lacey presents Heather with a gift: a white tee with the words A-List Celebrity Sharpied on, and Sharon very astutely points out that none of them there, doing what they are, will ever be considered A-List. Amen, sister friend!
07:41 Heather, probably feeling disrespected again, walks off.
07:41 Ricky pitches to commercial... but only after stating the obvious that it looks like some of these women (namely Lacey, who is still yelling after Heather) haven't learned squat. God, what I would have given to be a fly on the wall in the editing room!
07:45 Destiney's turn for a recap moment. Wow, the show is really winding down fast, and I guess the last fifteen minutes, perhaps appropriately for the double entendre, will be devoted to the two finalists.
07:47 Destiney did not take Daniella up on her internship offer, and I can't say I'm not surprised; no one wants to work for free! But she is designing clothes... with some biker dude who is in the audience supporting her. And she has a swag bag for each judge and each member of the audience! Dude, how can I get a free shirt? I can't even find her special edition Smet tee from the Christian Audigier challenge!
07:49 Sharon tells Destiney that the girl she sees in front of her now is not the same one she saw on "that Bret Michaels show," and Destiney agrees wholeheartedly. She "could not be happier." Well, bully. Now send me a shirt!
07:53 After what feels like the longest commercial break ever, it's the newly humble Brandi M's turn for a look-back, and we not only get another look at her record number of times in the bottom but also at her shining moment as "Flo"-- prosthetic warts and Charlie O'Connell (again; does he have some sort of side deal with 51 Minds?) and all.
07:55 Though Brandi M does seem to have made the changes where it matters, when asked what she will do with the money that she hasn't yet received (she not-so-angrily points out), she admits she wants to buy boobs. And Sharon tells her to go for it; she did it, and she's super happy about it.
07:57 Brandi points out, yet again, what an "amazing woman" Sharon is. Me thinks 51 Minds is re-courting Sharon for another run, as well.
07:58 Sharon returns the kind words by telling her she is "shining" and seems so confident. But of course, that's all because of what Sharon taught her...
07:59 Ricky announces that class is dismissed. Up next is the premiere of Confessions of a Teen Idol, and of course I will be watching!
All right, I know I ramble; I know I have a lot of opinions, and that's why I like to write these pieces, but really, I encourage each and every one of you to not just take my words at face value: you need to check this show out for yourself: http://www.vh1.com/video/play.jhtml?id=1601896&vid=329050. Maybe if enough people comment on the message boards and stuff, they'll even throw up some extras that actually do show what the "forgotten" skanks had to say...