Tuesday, February 3, 2009

I Don't Get You, Man...

Call it wishful thinking-- or just full on denial-- but last week when I wrote that we were only mid-way through Bromance, I was sorely mistaken! Turns out that last night's episode was the finale, featuring the last three men standing: Little Chris (who I guess can just be called Chris since the other dude with his name is long gone), Luke, and Femi. And now I feel like I didn't offer the show a proper send off with last week's image only recap. So tonight I attempt to make up for that-- as well as to just soak in all of the last minute Brody that I can. I know MTV is amping up for a second season of Paris' New BFF, but even if I do decide to audition for that show (I'd much rather audition for season two of Bromance, assuming they have one, but I don't know if they'd be willing to cross gender lines...), it won't nearly be the same, and I'm sure I'll find myself wondering where Frankie and Sleazy T are.

When the finale of Bromance finally begins after four and a half minutes of "previously on" and an opening credits montage and random commercials for other MTV programs, Luke is still pissy about Little Chris calling him out at the sake table. He feels the need to "clear the air," and Femi sits uncomfortably in the middle as Luke and Little Chris have a heart to heart in the bedroom. Thankfully, though, they are interrupted by a call from BJ himself before things can get too heated. BJ (okay, I don't think I can call him that without images of Swarovski-crusted jeans floating through my mind!) will be bringing his mother over for an impromptu visit (read: inspection), so the guys get to work cleaning up their jock straps and girly mags and baby oil or whatever. I will hand it to them that they even scrub the sinks, though!

So Femi has the hots for "Linda" who rivals Bruce in the Jenner Family Plastic Surgery "Off," but she ribs on her son with the best of them and "blows his macho image" by telling a story about Brody saving a little snail with a chipped shell by putting nail polish on it. Brody Jenner, friend to all creatures. Thankfully, though, Linda is not just there for a friendly chat over lunch; she will be administering a lie detector test. Though, because this is a Viacom show, of course there's a "let's go upstairs" moment where the guys just know they're going to be tested, and undoubtedly at least two of their (I'll let you figure out which two) minds go to the gutter.

Linda asks the tough questions to find out who's "keeping it real... and who's kissing ass." Surprisingly Little Chris gets caught in a lie on the first question "do you think Brody is for real?" She asks the guys if they think that Brody likes someone in the house more than them; if they find Brody attractive; if they watch porn (and if they watch it a lot); and she even goes so far as to offer the guys a million dollars to get up and walk away from Brody now and forever. Maybe Linda thinks she's on a completely different show, but then she also asks the guys if they checked her out or have had fantasies about her. Only Luke tells her "that was fun" when she finally releases the cuff. Well sure, because he was the only one who managed to hit on her but in a classy way-- saying she's a beautiful woman, but she's a friend's mom ('cause you know, otherwise he'd totally be cougar bait).

Linda tells her son that they're all great guys, and they pow wow for a little bit. She can't cover for Little Chris' floundering, and Brody admits he thinks he's just there for the "experience." Of course she skates around the "who do you think I should pick?" question by offering the advice to pick someone who's not just flashy and funny-- because Spencer was those things, and look how that turned out, right buddy? But three is a crowd, so Brody is going to drop one of the guys right now based on his mother's advice.

Brody has three envelopes, but only two hold tickets to the guys' hometowns because Brody will only be visiting the hometowns of his two finalists. Femi and Luke get blank slips of paper, which one would think is a bad sign, but when Little Chris reveals his ticket, it turns out it's a one-way. So Little Chris is out, and Brody will be taking the other two "boys" on a private jet because that's just how he rolls-- but hey, at least Little Chris got to hang out in a hot tub with two Playmates; when will that ever happen again? Oh that's right: never. Sorry dude, you won't get to "bring Brody home" after all, and I hate to break it to you, but you really weren't all that "awesome" on the show either.

"Bro-Force 1" is full of just Brody, Femi, and Luke who have to be the threesome in each hometown, I guess, leaving poor Frankie D and Sleazy T back on the sands in Malibu... or something. They've been mysteriously M.I.A. the whole episode so far. Maybe they'll at least turn up for the "victory" party.

Femi's little brother is named Yemi! And he likes his style better than Femi's! Step back; we have a winner! He should be Brody's new BFF! Brody sits down to dinner with Femi's family, who brings pictures of him through the years, busting Femi's "gangsta style," and showing Brody a new, softer side to the guy who has compared himself to just about every killer animal in the wild, but seeing him with his mom and brother and nephew, he really is more like a kitten-- domestic, get it?? Luke sits quietly in the corner, and to his credit, doesn't try to trash talk Femi on his own turf, but then they hit a club so Femi can introduce Brody to his crew, and instead he ends up hooking back up with his ex (blonde) girlfriend who cheated on him... twice. He confesses to Brody that he "still loves her, homie" and disappears, leaving Brody in the club with some fans, so I'd have to say that it's a good thing he has his girl back because he ain't gonna get a new BFF out of this.

Luke's hometown is full of adorable kids, too, and the guys play a good ole fashioned game of stickball in the street with some of them before heading out to a local bar where what looks like Luke's entire senior class begin to pick on Brody for shit that went down on The Hills. This is where I'd fast forward if I had a TiVo since I never watched The Hills and couldn't care less, but apparently in this white-washed Massachusetts town, that's all there is to do. I wouldn't be surprised if the very bar Brody is standing in now hosted marathon viewings of the season premieres and finales! So Luke gets docked a few points here for not "standing up for his boy" and telling the rowdy bunch to "shut the hell up" for talking crap about his boy. But he wins points when his mom tells Brody that Luke took a sick girl out of the hospital to go to her prom even though it was the same night as his own prom. So he's a good guy-- maybe a little bit of a wuss, but a good guy.

Oh, and Luke's parents win big time for not only making lobster and seeming genuinely interested (but not in the scary fan way) in hearing Brody talk about his life in LA but also for getting him to wear a lobster bib! I wish I had a screencap of that; damn you, MTV! Know your audience! You're airing G's To Gents 2 next week, but you can't provide an image of Brody in a bib for my Facebook avatar??

Back in LA, the fun and games have finally come to a close, and just like Paris before him, Brody has prepared "outfits" for his final two to don while taking their long ride to fame... or shame. He presents them with ridiculous powder-puff suits and sends each one off on his way in a different car. One will end up at 717 Olympic, greeted by Brody himself, tons of skinny club girls in skinny black dresses, and champagne... while the other will end up alone in a garage with only a taped message from Brody wishing him luck (or not) in whatever he ends up doing. Oh, and of course Brody wants to hear from each guy on why the other guy shouldn't be picked, which is just catty and awesome, too, and neither of them points out anything I haven't already in this recap.

In the end, though, only one guy is going to win the "crash pad," the nights in the Hollywood lights, the chance to chill with Brody (at least for a few weeks), and oh yeah, to sweeten the pot a little, a brand new car. And just which of these two loveable losers made the cut?

. . .

Why, it's Luke, the dude who was gracious enough to slap Brody's hand before getting in the car and say that "no matter what, [they]'ll always be boys." Luke, the goofball who couldn't stop joking that he's "sweating like it's the prom; I hope I don't get stood up" on the long ride over. Out of the three that made it to this episode, I am not surprised Luke won, nor am I upset by it, but I do feel slightly bad that Femi probably can't afford the laser tattoo removal he will undoubtedly want to get now that he won't be photographed with Brody any time soon. And even if he was, how awkward would it have been to have two dudes spooning standing up in order to show off their matching side tats? Anyway, congrats to Luke, but here's hoping there's a season two and y'all will be rooting me on. If Robin Scherbatsky could do it, I can be a bro, too!

Seriously, Brody, CALL ME!

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