Jack hopes to win back his lady love, Elissa (Salma Hayek), weeks after she turned down his proposal and then disappeared (though he is quick to point out she didn't technically say no), on this week's episode of 30 Rock, aptly titled "The Ones." Jack claims to have coined the term "The One," as well, which leads Liz to believe he should really be a writer. He and Liz head to a fine jewelry store in Manhattan to look at rings, where she loses one down a vent, and the store clerk tells Jack he is lucky to have found someone so "spirited." Jack whips out a picture of the "real" bride, and the clerk takes him to the "real showroom." Apparently the one in the front of the store is for chumps...like Liz, who is on her hands and knees because her finger is caught in the vent.
Kenneth has removed everything with coconut because of staff allergies, which Liz thinks is a bunch of crap (and not just because he took her Hostess snacks away). She claims they are psychosomatic, and not even his or Jenna's slightly bigotted stories about throats closing up can change her mind. Frank brings a box of donuts to Craft Services, which gets turned away for "no unauthorized food," but he tells everyone not to worry because there's actually just a mouse in there. It's a prank on Lutz again. Yeah, that makes it better.
Lutz screams and runs into a wall, causing a flat-screen to fall on him. Jenna promptly flirts with the paramedic who arrives on scene, who is surprisingly both a fan of hers and not a gay man. He leaves before she can get his number, so she slinks around Pete's office, belting sad songs and announcing that "911 wouldn't even connect [her] to their celebrity service!" He offers her advice from a book he read once, which determines if you're a sociopath by how you answer the question of what you do if you meet someone at your mother's funeral and want to see that person again. Jenna's answer is the correct answer: you kill your father so the person will show up to that funeral, too. Well, at least Tracy's not the only certifiable person on TGS anymore!
Tracy is trying to find the perfect present for his wife to celebrate the twentieth anniversary of the day they met. He narrows it down to a denim jacket encrusted with diamonds to read "Hot Bitch" or a Snuggie rip-off. Liz tells him to just ask Angie what she wants instead of wasting money on junk. He shows his gratitude by tossing her the jacket as a thank you, but of course she'd prefer the Snuggie. It makes a nice companion when you're eating blocks of cheese while watching Bravo marathons on the couch.
What Angie wants, though, his her name and face tattooed on Tracy's chest...which he can't accomodate because it would mess up his signature move of removing his shirt to win over the ladies (and America!). Cue montage!
Elissa shows up in Liz' office, after having been back in the States for three weeks (but after not having spoken English for two months); she doesn't know what to do about Jack and the proposal, and she is reaching out for advice. She loves him, but she has a terrible secret and cannot marry him. Liz guesses that she's a man, and Elissa is shocked and asks if she wants to see her naked. Liz kind of does. She does not, however, want to break the bad news to Jack, even though that is what Elissa has come to ask her to do.
Jenna fills Kenneth's lunch with strawberries, something she knows he is allergic to due to an earlier conversation (though it is a surprise she was listening!), with the hope the "cute guy at 911" will return. Perhaps needless to say, she gets a different shift, and the EMTs that show up are women. Pete decides to teach Jenna a lesson before it goes too far, and they arrange a fake "strawberry shock" situation with an actor playing an EMT to say he has to cut off Kenneth's hands "to get the juice out." Jenna falls for it, but Kenneth can't let the prank go as far as Frank and Toofer may have wanted. She does feel genuine remorse, though, so Pete declares she has been downgraded from a sociopath to a narcissist. At least.
Just as Liz gets up the nerve to tell Jack about Elissa, guess who rushes in, announcing she is back and wants to marry him? Yup. But if you were thinking she has some sort of manic twin, you'd be...well, half wrong. Jack asks Liz if she knows if Elissa wants to keep her maiden name, and when he says it, the cleaning lady in the corner of his office gasps. She knows that name! She glances at the picture she has probably dusted a hundred times on his desk but never before paid attention to, and she gasps again. She knows that face! The Black Widow! Liz spills all she knows...which is only a theory that Elissa is the mother of all of Michael Jackson's kids. She Googles it, but all of the web sites are in Spanish, and the cleaning lady has already gone onto the next stop on her rounds. Once again, Elissa sneaks up on them, though, and admits all she did. She was married once; he cheated on her; she took her revenge and killed him. No biggie, right?
Jack still wants to marry Elissa, though, because he's fifty, which is like thirty-two for ladies, and let's face it, she's still hot. He's just afraid that she'll snap on him if he cheats, too. Liz tells him not to cheat, but it's never that easy for Jack. At least we finally learn why he keeps going to her for advice: the men around 30 Rock talk about fedoras; Liz is the closest thing to a real man they have! It doesn't really work, so he then has Tracy arrange an "erotic temptation" at a strip club to see if he really can be faithful to Elissa if they end up getting married. He only begins to feel like he can really do it when Tracy reveals his terrible secret: in twenty years, he has never cheated on Angie. The partying is just to keep his reputation. He decides to get that tattoo after all.
Jenna comes clean to Kenneth about all of the things she put strawberry juice on, like his "mouth radio" (ie the harmonica), and when she talks about how she really thought this could be THE guy for her, he softens and decides to drink his fruit-laced water after all for a chance for her to be reunited with the love of her life...which of course he turns out not to be-- because the paramedic has custody of his five year old son. But Kenneth did his good deed for the day, and that's what really matters, right?
Jack shows up at Liz' to tell her all about his wild night with Tracy, and again Elissa somehow sneaks up on them in Liz' apartment. Apparently she has been following him, and now she's jealous of Liz because of their close relationship. Everyone realizes how insane that is, and Jack says that Liz is just his "bro!" Elissa realizes the problem is truly with her: she loves too much and turns loca. They break up. Because we are in a recession, and NBC probably can no longer afford her.
Best lines of the night:
Liz: "Yeah, well, in my experience "I'll think about it" usually ends up with me watching Solid Gold in my basement on prom night."
Liz: "Where are my Snoballs? I was going to go to the gym later, so I deserve a treat."
Jack: "Being in a relationship means overlooking certain flaws. I mean, somewhere right now a guy is on a J-Date with Monica Lewinsky. Nobody's perfect."