Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Quarter Life Crisis...

So... it's my birthday today. I wasn't going to make a big deal out of it. I wasn't even going to mention it here (because really, why?), but I've been feeling a little weird few weeks. I found out my cousin got married over Memorial Day weekend and is expecting a baby. My First Boyfriend is engaged. Everyone appears to be doing...something, and I'm-- well, I'm still spinning in circles trying to make something come out of the same old sh*t.

A friend jokingly accused me (which, really, is an oxymoron, right?) of simply experiencing my "Quarter Life Crisis." "When you were a kid-- thirteen or so-- you went through similar feelings of "everything sucks," didn't you?" She asked. "And that turned out to be just normal angst. Well, it doesn't end when you get out of high school. Those feelings come back around at certain so-called pivotal moments in one's life."

This tee shirt has never
seemed so relevant!

Tell me about it! Except the difference here was that this birthday is not really a pivotal point in my life but for the number. And the number is only important to people who buy into all of the stereotypical social traditions. What upset me was not the number-- far from it; I'm finally on my way to the number I've felt ever since I was that thirteen year old! What upset me was the diagnosis: using basic math, a "quarter life crisis" implies that I will live to be one hundred years old. Biological factors aside, I have never wanted to live that long. I'm not even sure I want to see seventy-five! I've never been one of those people who are willing to accept what life has handed them; I always set lofty goals and shoot for whatever people tell me is out of my reach. But as the years have gone on, I've found that most of those things are still out of my reach, and if this is as good as it's going to get, then I certainly don't want to have to do this for another fifty or sixty or seventy some-odd years! This better be a mid-life crisis, not a quarter-life anything!

But don't hear what I am saying now and get all concerned for my mental health. Even if suddenly everything exploded-- my show got picked up; my book got published; the adoption agency fished my application out of the trash-- I'd still have qualms about getting old. I mean, really old. I mean, Three-Quarter of a Century old. I'd still feel the same way about wanting to go out younger (even if it was so I could go out while I was still on top). People don't change; their situations may, but people, at their core, always remain. I have always been the same person and had the same beliefs-- ever since I was that thirteen year old (well, okay, since probably well before then, but I don't remember much from the earlier days), and I have always felt this way about birthdays.

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