I know I said I wouldn't be writing about reality television this year. I also said I wouldn't be skipping The Biggest Loser for American Idol tonight (or any Tuesday, really), but apparently I am breaking both of those rules. Hopefully for one night only.
American Idol premiered its ninth season tonight, though without new fourth judge Ellen Degeneres, airing the first of many audition rounds. Special guest judge for tonight's Boston edition was Victoria Beckham, who was more often referred to as "David Beckham's wife" by auditioners than "former Spice Girl" or "entrepreneur," as her intro package deemed her. Of course there were the good, the bad, the ugly, and the make-your-ears-bleed. And of course I needed to take my commentary out into the ether of the internet...because I find that when I bark snarky remarks at my television, my dog barks back annoyedly.
8:03 PM RE: The Intro Montage: "OMG #Idol has a college football player turned auditionee. Did Fox secretly insert "GLEE" into Season 9??"
8:08 PM: "So this contestant thinks she'll be the next #Idol b/c she plays the Wii game & Simon doesn't boo her off. By that logic I can be in Nascar."
8:16 PM: "What adoption agency gave a family with nine kids more kids?? I can't even get one to think I can afford ONE kid!! #Idol"
8:20 PM: "Hey complainer kid (#Idol), if you whip off the Clark Kent glasses as your "makeover" to show ppl you're hot, I'm going to be super pissed!"
8:21 PM: "I always wondered what happened to my high school theater assistant (yes, I seriously had one). I think I just found him. Pat Ford. #Idol"
8:24 PM: "Oh. Good singers montage. Boring. #Idol"
8:30 PM: "If this Italian guy sings Sinatra, I'm going to crap my pants. You's are all witnesses. #Idol"
8:34 PM: "NOOOOOOO!!! No Enigma! Not unless J.T.T. is auditioning (whatever happened to him??)! This is not "Man of the House!" #Idol"
8:38 PM: "Oh here come the tears. And then Kara gets pissed. When she does she reminds me of the new boss at the Corporation. & why I quit. #Idol"
8:42 PM: "Really, #Idol, wasting screen time with rain "news?" Are we sure this is Boston and not LA?"
8:43 PM: "#Idol's Anime Girl: If you've been on hundreds of auditions and never booked anything, you may want to stick with designing kimonos."
8:45 PM: "Ha! Simon, you DO have enough money to go to the moon. Just cause space rejected Lance Bass doesn't mean they'd turn YOU away. #Idol"
8:46 PM: "I didn't hear anything about Anime Girl becoming a clown instead. Did producers edit the best criticism out??? #Idol"
8:46 PM: "Oooh ginger boy with skull cap = why I watch this show. He's cute AND has a smooth voice. Thanks, #Idol. 46 min and remembering why I watch!"
8:48 PM: "Seriously, faux Clark Kent. You created the worst reality character ever. I miss Nick Mitchell/Normund Gentle!! #Idol"
8:54 PM: "I'm sorry, #Idol, I don't care about the sob stories of the contestants. Hard times doesn't equal better singers."
9:00 PM: "Kid singing Seal has a yellow tongue. I have no witty comment. Just wondering what kind of candy he ate that would cause that. #Idol"
9:00 PM: "Ugh, the dreaded "you have a very commercial look that would do well in this contest" comment. I hate Kara/I miss Paula. #Idol"
9:02 PM: "There's another hour of this? I need sustenance. Who can bring me a cupcake? Or twelve? #Idol"
9:03 PM: "Wow, the goofy drummer tree climber can SING! And I may have to start learning these people's names... #Idol"
9:03 PM: "By the way, leave it to Simon to ask the really tough questions "What were you doing in the tree?" #Idol"
9:05 PM: "I prefer #Idol when Simon says it's an audition to remember b/c it's the bad kind. I like to think he wakes up in middle of night sweating."
9:12 PM: "Oh oh oh! I think I found the girl who will butcher Mariah in tonights ep (as spoiled by my friend JC) #Idol I'm scared but can't look away!"
9:13 PM: "Yup, there she is. Ugh, my ears are bleeding. I just hope Kara doesn't make her own attempt. Le sigh, #Idol."
9:13 PM: "She has to practice more? No, she needs to cut out her vocal cords. Never. Sing. Again. Unless you're taking on a Britney joint. #Idol"
9:14 PM: "Best way to follow up bad Mariah? "It burns, burns, burns." Yes it does. Johnny Cash has never sounded so poignant. #Idol"
9:17 PM: "This boat-actor kid reminds me why I don't like east coast guys but he can sing&seems genuine. Maybe I shouldn't judge based on image. #Idol"
9:23 PM: "Oh boy, auditionee package. That usually means touching story of someone who will make it through. Way to give spoilers, #Idol!"
9:25 PM: "Posh looks nervous. And she should. This 16 y/o sings better than she EVER could! I'd buy her album today (as long as it was R&B) #Idol"
9:26 PM: "Oh Ryan, stop pretending to be macho. You cry ALL THE TIME. #Idol"
9:28 PM: "Oh crap the dude who yells at Simon did it for an exercise? #thisiswhyidolislame"
9:29 PM: "But in other news, I like when people refuse to give up on their dreams. He's 28; this is not his LAST shot-- just his last shot on #Idol."
9:29 PM: "#Idol is not the end-all, be-all in the music industry!"
9:36 PM: "Sorry, I wasn't looking at the chyron. Was the "All By Myself" kid (#Idol) a Stuyvesant High School (NYC) student? He sure seemed like one!!"
9:38 PM: "Cancer kid sounds like Cheyenne Jackson. & we really don't need another one of those. No offense. I'm glad you kicked cancer in the ass tho!"
9:39 PM: "Yes, Kara, you'll remember this guy because you want to sleep with him. You are the new Paula. And a third rate model at that! #Idol"
9:41 PM: "Now a commercial (I watch DVR free) featuring everyday people singing about I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. And Megan Mullaly. (cont)"
9:41 PM: "(cont) How the mighty have fallen. Did I mention my ears are bleeding?"
9:46 PM: "Posh's PC #Idol commentary is the worst. Well, maybe not the worst; "grad students are the worst" (quoting "30 Rock;" don't send hate mail!)"
9:46 PM: "Wait, I take it back. She just admitted she'd often forget what she was singing. Maybe that's why the Spice Girls lip sanc on tour?? #Idol"
9:48 PM: "I was going to make a joke bout Nigerian email scams infecting Simon if he doesn't let this kid thru, but that would be in poor taste. #Idol"
9:58 PM: "Feather earrings on #Idol was too emotional for me to be interested. I'm just cruel like that."
9:58 PM: "I have never been so eager for a CBS drama to start!! "The Good Wife" will restore my brain after 2 hrs of #Idol that felt like 2 days!"
Now, tomorrow the auditions continue with Atlanta footage. But it's opposite Modern Family, so it is doubtful I will be back. Stay tuned to find out for sure!
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