Wednesday, February 10, 2010

The Cheese Stands Alone...

No one has ever come right out and asked me if I’m a lesbian, but that doesn’t stop me from sometimes wondering if they are wondering if I am one. After all, talk is cheap, and actions—or inaction-- speak volumes. The last “long-term” boyfriend I had was...well, define long-term! The time I’ve known some of my closest friends now has been one of perpetual singledom for me; and it most certainly is for lack of trying. I don’t go out to clubs; I don’t go out to bars; I don’t have a profile on a dating website—unless you count MySpace, but you really shouldn’t. It’s not that I haven’t dated; I’ve gone out on dates-- I’ve “seen people,” as the kids are calling it today-- but I'm just not interested in a relationship. As Denise Richards says, It’s Complicated!

I’m not a lesbian but if I still believed in soulmates, I would think Liz Lemon was mine.

Liz Lemon (30 Rock) and I are kindred spirits of sorts: she once made excuses for blowing off an evening with her girlfriend, going out to a big industry event, and even a potential date—all so she could sit at home, eat a block of cheese, and watch Top Chef.
Well, let’s just say that I know that behavior all too well; in fact, I’ve kind of even gotten to the point where I stop making excuses, and my friends often stop asking me to do things on certain nights, based solely on what is on the television schedule. They have learned their lesson after too many past experiences of me flat-out saying that I preferred instead to just go home, eat a block of cheese, and watch insert-random-crappy-reality-show-usually-from-Viacom-here (though I do have a dog to hang out with at home, so I consider myself one step slightly above Liz because at least I’m not alone alone).

Although, unlike Liz, I have never fallen asleep in a pile of cheese...yet.


As head writer for the fictional
TGS With Tracy Jordan, as well as being besties with G.E. executive Jack Donaghy (Alec Baldwin), Liz seems to have her sh*t together professionally, but personally she is a bit of a mess, as she only seems to attract losers (and not even the lovable kind), like a beeper salesman-turned-Dateline predator or the barely pubescent coffee delivery boy who still lives with his mom…or even the millionaire who pretended to be agoraphobic just so he wouldn’t have to admit he was really under house arrest for fraud, racketeering, and arson. Though, but for the criminal record, the last guy seemed perfect not only for her but also for me. After all, he could provide the kind of relationship “[where] you don't have to try anymore, and you can just sit around together and goof on TV shows, and then go to bed without any funny business." Ah, to dream…

Unlike Liz, I have never gone on a date with a woman (
Episode 1.3: "Blind Date"), but I
once developed a crush on someone who turned out to be a distant cousin (Episode 1.11: "The Head and the Hair"). Thankfully it was when we were eleven years old and I found out who he really was before I had even asked him out, let alone made out with him.

No, instead, I more often than not seem to get stuck with the socially inept crowd, though—you know the kind: the guys who haven’t matured past the tender age of twelve (and yes, I
am aware that this is the pot calling the kettle black). But their twelve was the Dungeons & Dragons-playing twelve. Unlike Liz, I also never stayed up into the wee hours of the morning planning where to build trapdoors behind which more Orcs can hide.

I once called a guy was dating “expendable”—not to his face, of course, but that doesn’t necessarily make it any better.
We had been talking about having children—not with each other but just in general—and I confided in him that I didn’t want to have my own, biological children but rather adopt (I know this is yet another similarity with Liz, but I decided this years before she was even a concept in Tina Fey's mind!). There were so many deserving kids already out there who needed loving homes.

“Besides
,” I shrugged, “it’s something I can do whenever I’m ready; I don’t have to wait around to find the right guy to do it with.”

Perhaps needless to say, he didn’t take that so well. Instead of embracing me and praising me for being his own personal Angelina Jolie, he became offended that I would look at things in such a way.
But for so long, I got so used to attracting only the guys in whom I wasn’t interested that it was just easier to figure out a way to get what I wanted independently.

I know, I know: I’m such a romantic!

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