Saturday, July 3, 2010

The Cookie Diet: Something Else I Invented But Am Not Getting Credit For...

I never wanted to utter the name "Snooki" on this website, but as of today I just can't keep quiet about my beef with her anymore. You see, she is on something called "the cookie diet," which I consider myself to have invented. So she is now getting in the press for having a sweet tooth, terrible eating habits, and being a lazy @$$ who won't just pick up and go to the gym when she wants to lose weight? Um, allow me to whine for a second: What about me??


Okay, to be fair, Snooki's "cookie diet" isn't truly her own. It's not like she has used laws of biology and chemistry to figure out what ratio of Oreos to freshly baked whoopie pies will produce side abs or anything! It's actually an official Hollywood fad diet created by a "Dr." Siegal. Apparently the diet he has created allows you to eat "six cookies a day and a sensible dinner." Pizza and an ice cream soda is sensible, right?

I know nothing about this "Dr" so I don't know if it is truly appropriate to use the air quotes around his title. I assume so because real physicians (and Jillian Michaels) know that weight loss and getting healthy should go hand in hand; one should never crash diet to lose a quick five or ten pounds because he or she will put the weight back on two-fold later. It needs to be a lifestyle change. And I severely doubt all of the "celebrities" (Denise Richards is one, Kim Kardashian-- no surprise there!-- is another) who have signed on alongside Snooki can truly withstand this lifestyle forever. I have been training my whole life for this folks; you have come late to the game!

Am I unfairly singling her out of the bunch here? Perhaps, but she is famous for nothing and now getting paid for nothing, too. She has been Tweeting about her Cookie Diet "progress" for the past six months because she is now a paid representative of the products. Yes, you can add her to the Kim Kardashian list of people who get paid to endorse products in 140 characters or less. And probably paid a lot more than the salary lowly advertising copywriters who work on a dozen campaigns at a time (real campaigns, crafting slogans and posters and commercial copy-- I remember what Billy and Alison slaved over at D&D!) make!

Supposedly "Dr" Siegal's cookies, which are available in some grocery stores around town, are appetite suppressing to keep you from eating heavy lunches or a lot of little snacks throughout the day. But I have to assume they're some sort of diuretic, too. Otherwise, why would you need to eat six of them? That's like going out and marketing the "chocolate diet" by saying that you can eat one bar of chocolate for every hour and then a big, hearty dinner, and you'll still lose weight...claims you can back up if the chocolate you're marketing is just repackaged ExLax!

For the record, my "cookie diet" has always been made up of all natural ingredients: butter, eggs, flour, chocolate chips, etc. And you will find that if all you eat for a week straight are cookies, you will in fact, lose some weight. Because the sweetness fills you up (at least the way I bake!), and you find after awhile you do get sick of eating them so you stop before you're truly full. And really, that's the true key to losing weight: don't gorge yourself!

And let me just put this out there now before anyone else goes off and patents it: I also invented the ice cream diet (and lost five pounds in a week on it, which at my size, I consider pretty good), the pie-crust-and-frosting diet, and the nachos diet! Results may vary. You probably shouldn't consult your physician before trying any of these because he or she will look at you like you're crazy and hand you a carrot instead!

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