Tuesday, November 8, 2011

My Hypothetical Celebrity One-Night Stand List...

I must admit, this list was completely inspired by Mindy Kaling's new book. She has a whole chapter about why she has never had-- nor will she ever have-- a one-night stand, and when I read it, I kind of kicked myself for taking that chapter out of my own book. I removed it from mine because it didn't have anything in particular in pop culture related to it, but really it could have had everything in pop culture related to it.

I do so many "Hottie Awards"
lists, but it's all talk. In reality, I can't turn off the part of my brain that first assumes guys I am attracted to could not possibly be hitting on me-- even when they really are. And even if and when I get past that hurdle, I certainly am not going to turn off who I am, what I want, or my common sense.

In this week's episode of Up All Night, Maya Rudolph has the single-handed best delivery for "I don't know you; stranger danger!" I have ever seen. It's all in the physicality she brings to the table. But it will forever be in my head now anytime someone brings up a one-night stand-- either the request for one or the recounting of a tale of one. I choose not to engage in them not out of some semi-irrational fear of being maimed or diseased after but because I just truly don't see the point/don't take pleasure simply in the physicality. Much like Rudolph's amazing line-reading, the physicality is just one element to what makes the moment so special.

BUT let's play devil's advocate for a second and assume I could step outside of myself for just one night-- or I'm amnesia-suffering like Rudolph's current co-star Christina Applegate once was in Samantha Who?. Thus the following is a list of celebrities who I would be willing to sleep with once and never need to hear from again. For those of you who know what "The List" is (and honestly, at this stage in pop culture history, if you don't know what it is, I don't know how to talk to you), this is ultimately my List. But since I'm not currently in a relationship, it has to have a slightly different name than "The List of Celebrities I Can Sleep With and My Boyfriend Can't Get Mad" or "The Freebie List." So I'm just calling it "My Hypothetical Celebrity One-Night Stand List."

Tyson Beckford. Back when I interned for The Ellen Degeneres Show somehow Tony (the DJ), another intern, and I got into a conversation about 50 Cent and Tyson Beckford and which one of them was actually into a hardcore lifestyle moreso than the other. I'll admit it: a little part of me believes every hip-hop star puffs up his bravado and claims a lot of things on tracks and in public simply for the image. Maybe I constantly want to see the heart of gold in every bad boy, I don't know. Long story short, I don't care what Tony claims, I've followed Beckford around a supermarket, and not only is he hot, but he seems to be a passionate guy (at least when it comes to picking out fruits and meats).

Grant Show. He's always going to be Jake Hanson to me, and that's how I like him. I'm okay if he doesn't ride up on a motorcycle, but I have to admit, if he has the weird porn 'stache, it might be a dealbreaker.

Alex O'Loughlin. I am one of those anomalies: a woman who usually doesn't swoon simply over an accent. But this guy's accent works for me. And watching him wield a gun every week on CBS, in tiny tight tee-shirts, mocking Scott Caan, and saving the day time and again-- that works, too! I know he is not the character he plays on TV; he is actually more dapper in real life. That's rare and exciting all on its own.

Ryan Reynolds. You saw his Entertainment Weekly cover that time when they couldn't decide if they should use the snorkel, dripping wet, water gun, or Rambo photo, right? So they just gave us all of them because he looks THAT GOOD? And you read the cover story much more recently where he sardonically interviews himself? He's hot; he's talented; AND he has a sense of humor about himself. AND he's Canadian. AND he has said he wants to adopt. Oh screw it, I may need this one to marry me!

Jensen Ackles. Look, he's married; I get that; I respect that. That's why I'm saying he doesn't have to ever call me again.

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