Monday, May 28, 2012

The One With The Pop Culture Wedding Toast...

My best friend got married over the weekend, and she asked me to be her maid-of-honor. I was, well, honored, to say the least, though I was extremely nervous about three things: standing still throughout the whole ceremony, my first pair of Spanx potentially cutting off my circulation, and giving a toast during the reception. I've never been good at, nor enjoyed, public speaking. I think I express myself best in writing, but even when I prepare something ahead of time, I think I lose a little bit of it in my reading aloud. I'm not a performer. And the best man was an actor, so yeah. Extra pressure. Jokingly, I said to my friend that I was going to write my entire toast using only quotes from Friends. She liked it. She said I could do it. I assumed she was kidding, but I ran with it anyway. Only to be more inclusive, I told her and her fiance to each pick three shows, and I'd work in bits from all. It proved to be more work-- but more fun-- than I expected.

With her permission, I have printed the "producer's cut" of my toast below, complete with footnotes so that those who were at the wedding and thought I was just insane or inarticulate or drunk will now understand there was a method to my madness. In all honesty, the actual toast I gave was only about half this-- to avoid boring the guests who just wanted to enjoy their beef or salmon in peace. But I figured if anyone would appreciate the full effort, it was you pop culture nerds.

At times I had to paraphrase the quotes to take them out of first person or make them about the couple, instead of just one person, or for simple grammar. Also, I didn't stick entirely to my plan of using only quotes because I didn't want it to be completely impersonal. But I think the blending of anecdotes is what makes this truly special. So enjoy! And if you would like a similar speech written, I am available for commissions. I take Paypal. And cupcakes.


Good evening y’all[1], and thank you for coming. My name is Danielle, and I am Jamie’s maid-of-honor. I'm not so great at extemporaneous speaking so I memorize quick facts that I can whip out at a moment's notice[2]. Tonight the facts will be about Jamie and Daley-- and some will be told through quotes from their favorite television shows. You may think I’m kidding; you may wish I’m kidding; but these are the fun and non-traditional parameters with which they let me run.

I met Jamie when I was a freshman in college and we were both cinema-television majors at USC. They say you don’t come back from California; it changes you[3]; but Jamie is a leader and a trendsetter. We met when she was producing an entertainment news program on our campus TV station, the likes of which was really all I ever wanted to do with my life, so I knew I had to be a part of it any way possible to jump-start my career. But what I didn’t realize was that in the process I’d also gain my closest friend. Jamie, I’ve missed you; we had it good there for a while[4].

I wish I had some fun, embarrassing stories about Jamie to share with all of you today, but the truth is, she took her studies seriously-- much more seriously than I did. She’s always been freakin’ reliable; it was just how she was raised[5]. Even when we went to Vegas, baby[6], the craziest thing we did was use cookies as forks to eat our chocolate cake on the long drive.

I’m not going to embarrass Jamie by talking about the guys she dated in college, but I will say that when I met Daley, I was relieved. Jamie didn’t really have a “bad boy” phase in the traditional sense, but with Daley, it still seemed clear from the get-go: ‘He’s her lobster[7].’

Ah, love. L-O-V-E, love. L is for life. And what is life without love?[8]

Love is a gamble, always, but waiting won't change the dice. Either you roll them or you lose your turn[9], but in the beginning, they were just friends, and they were happy to let that friendship grow. I think it’s a testament to both of them that they put actually getting to know each other first. If all Daley wanted was sex, he could get it from plenty of women without having to go through this crap. Daley was there because he liked her and he’d be psyched to be her friend[10]. He was new to her, and she was always keeping her next travel adventure options open. But it's the way of life in my findings that journeys end when and where they want to; and that's where you make your home[11]. He was calling her "baby." He was trying to hold her hands. It was getting a little relationship-y[12]. It was just a matter of time. And so it was.

I tell you what, Daley. You buy this ship, treat her proper-- she'll be with you for the rest of your life[13].

The thing is-- some relationships are based simply on physical attraction; others on common interests. In order to find something that will last, though, you have to put your hands together[14].

When Jamie said she was moving to Massachusetts for grad school-- and because Daley would be moving back there, too-- I admit I became very protective of my crew[15]. I think the fact that she’s stayed put here, consistently, for three years says a lot about how Jamie and Daley have grown together, though I know if she asked, he’d follow her to Scandinavia and back[16]. I know he knows better than to use baked chips and low fat cheese for her nachos[17]. If he was going to jump off the cliff, and she was going to be pushed off the cliff, at least they’d hold hands on the way down[18]. The only thing that matters is that is that they make each other happier than they ever thought they could be[19].

Jamie, Daley: I think good things are gonna happen to you, you just have to keep going[20]. It’s about those brief moments on this earth that we get to spend with each other. You really take those moments in … to feel them, because one of these days it’ll all be gone[21]. If I can offer you two pieces of advice, though-- 1) it’s that room in the bathroom has saved more marriages than Oprah and Dr. Phil combined[22]. And 2) never utter the phrase “we were on a break![23]

It feels a bit weird to toast to Jamie and Daley’s shiny[24] new life together when really they’ve already embarked on it. So let’s just pop-pop[25] some champagne in honor of my favorite Human Beings[26], and yours, Jamie and Daley. You’re together; that makes this the perfect timeline[27]. Clear eyes, full hearts[28], congratulations.

[1] Generic Tami Taylor reference.
[2] Gilmore Girls Ep 4.02: “The Lorelais’ First Day At Yale”
[3] Gilmore Girls Ep 4.04: “Chicken or Beef?”
[4] The West Wing E9 7.21: “Institutional Memory”
[5] Gilmore Girls Ep 5.20: “How Many Kropogs to Cape Cod?”
[6] Generic Friends reference.
[7] Friends Ep 2.14: “The One With The Prom Video”
[8] Friends Ep 10.02: “The One Where Ross Is Fine”
[9] Community Ep 1.08: “Home Economics”
[10] Community Ep 1.05: “Advanced Criminal Law”
[11] Firefly Ep 1.07: “Safe”
[12] Community Ep 1:04: “Social Psychology”
[13] Firefly Ep 1.05: “Out of Gas”
[14] Friends Ep 3.03: “The One With The Jam”
[15] Firefly Ep 1.01: “Pilot/Serenity”
[16] The West Wing Ep 3.20: “The Black Vera Wang”
[17] Gilmore Girls Ep 6.09: “The Prodigal Daughter Returns”
[18] The West Wing Ep 7.11: “Internal Displacement”
[19] Friends Ep 6.25: “The One With The Proposal, Part 2”
[20] Friday Night Lights Ep 3.11: “A Hard Rain’s Gonna Fall”
[21] Friday Night Lights Ep 4.13: “Thanksgiving”
[22] Friday Night Lights Ep 1.01: “Pilot”
[23] Generic Friends reference.
[24] Generic Firefly reference.
[25] Generic Community reference.
[26] Generic Community reference.
[27] Community Ep 3.18: "Course Listing Unavailable"
[28] Generic Friday Night Lights reference.

1 comment:

AmyKB said...

LOVE it! how creative!